Megamind script

Megamind script

from chrisabidrea on 03/13/2020 07:40 AM

Here's my day so far: went to jail, lost the girl of my dreams, and got my butt kicked pretty good. Still, things could be a lot worse. Oh, that's right. I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't. How'd it all come to this, you ask? My end starts at the beginning. The very beginning. Yes, that's me. I had a fairly standard childhood. I came from, what you might call, a broken home. Literally broken. I was eight days old and still living with my parents. How sad is that? Clearly it was time to move on. Here is your minion. He will take care of you. And here is your binky. You are destined for... I didn't quite hear that last part, but it sounded important.

 

...two, one.

Destined for what? I set out to find my destiny. Turns out a kid from the Glaupunkt quadrant had the exact same idea. That was the day I met Mr. Goody Two-Shoes... ...and our glorious rivalry was born. Could this be what I was destined for? A dream life filled with luxury. Apparently not. Even fate picks its favorites. No big deal. A much different fate awaited me. A baby! How thoughtful. Oh, yes. Yes, I saw it and thought of you. Luckily I found a lovely little place to call home. Can we keep it? A place that taught me the differences between right... ...and wrong. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, on the other hand, had life handed to him on a silver platter. Our baby can fly. Yes, yes, nothing but the best for you, darling. The power of flight, invulnerability, and great hair. But I had something far, far greater. My amazing intellect... ...and knack for building objects of mayhem. After a few years, and with some time off for good behavior, I was given an opportunity to better myself through learning... ...at a strange place called shool. It was there that I once again ran into Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. He had already amassed a gigantic army of soft-headed groupies. He bought their affections with showmanship and extravagant gifts of deliciousness. So I, too, will make this popp-ed corn and win over those mindless drones. Lights out. That's when I learned a very hard lesson: Good receives all the praise and adulation, while evil is sent to quiet-time in the corner. So fitting in wasn't really an option. While they were learning the Itsy Bitsy Spider... ...I learned how to dehydrate animate objects and rehydrate them at will. Some days, it felt like it was just me and Minion against the world. No matter how hard I tried, I was always the odd man out, the last one picked, the screw-up, the black sheep... Get him!

...the bad boy.

Freak! Weirdo! Was this my destiny? Wait, maybe it was. Being bad is the one thing I'm good at. Then it hit me: If I was the bad boy, then I was going to be the baddest boy of them all. I was destined to be a super-villain, and we were destined to be rivals. The die had been cast, and so began an enduring, epic, lifelong career. And I loved it. Our battles quickly got more elaborate. He would win some. I would almost win others. He took the name Metro Man, defender of Metrocity. I decided to pick something a little more humble: Megamind... ...incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy. Read on your own time. Open up.

Hey!

Boo! Oh, good morning, Warden. Great news: I'm a changed man, and... ...and I'm ready to re-enter society as a solid citizen. You're a villain, and you'll always be a villain. You'll never change, and you'll never Ieave. You're fun. You got a present in the mail. Is it a puppy? From Metro Man. "To count every second of your 85 Iife sentences." That's funny. Never thought Metro Man was the gloating type. Oh, but he does have nice taste. I think I'll keep it. Any chance you could give me the time? I don't want to be Iate for the opening of the Metro Man Museum. Oh no. Looks Iike you're gonna miss it, by several thousand years. Oh, am I? Happy Metro Man Day, Metro City. It's a beautiful day in beautiful downtown, where we're here to honor a beautiful man, Metro Man. His heart is an ocean that's inside a bigger ocean. For years he's been watching us with his super-vision, saving us with his super-strength and caring for us with his super-heart. Now it's our turn to give something back. This is Roxanne Ritchi, reporting Iive from the dedication of the Metro Man Museum. Wow. OK, the stuff they make you read on-air, that's un-freaking-believable. It's crazy. I wrote that piece myself, Hal. What I was trying to say was, I can't believe that in our modern society, they Iet, Iike, actual art get onto the news.

Nice save, Hal.

What are we... Like, Iet's just get a coffee or something. Come on, it's time to get in the Metro Man Day spirit. Well, if I were Metro Man, Megamind wouldn't be kidnapping you all the time.

That's the first thing.

That's sweet, Hal. And I'd be watching you, Iike a dingo watches a human baby. OK, that sounded...

OK, that sounded a Iittle weird.

A Iittle bit. Yeah. And you're making a weird face, and that's making me feel weird. The point is, I would watch you Iike someone... Not Iove. We're not in Iove. I'm not saying I Iove you. Hey, I Iove you. Whatever. But I'm not saying Iike I'm in Iove with you. I'm saying... Roxanne? Roxaroo?

Whoa... What?

Hey... Get back to work. The city doesn't pay you to Ioaf.

Freeze!

Whoa. What are you doing, guys? It's me! It's the warden. Hey! Open up! No, you fools. He's tricked us. You were right. I'll always be a villain. Well, hello good-Iooking. Need a Iift? Certainly do, you fantastic fish, you.

Get in the car, you.

I'm free! Right? Nice work sending me the watch, Minion.

You got it, boss.

Punch it! AII right, put your hands in the air. Ladies and gentlemen, your Metro Man!

Who's your man?

Metro Man! Yeah, Metro City! Gimme some. Come on. Give it now. Give it to me. Right on. Gimme the good stuff. AII right. Hey, Metro City. Hey. Hey. You know, you know, I just want to bring it down a bit. Boys, a Iittle Iower. Thank you, fellas. Let's get real for a moment. That's right. That's right. That's right. Although getting a whole museum is super-cool, is super-cool, you want to know what the greatest honor you've given me is? Do you really want to know? Really? I'll tell you. The greatest honor you've given me is Ietting me serve you, the helpless people of Metro City. And at the end of every day, well, I often ask myself... ...who would I be without you?

I Iove you, Metro Man!

And I Iove you, random citizen. I tell you, Minion. There's no place Iike evil Iair. I've kept it cold and damp just for you, sir. How do I Iook, Minion? Do I Iook bad? Disgustingly horrifying, sir. You always know what to say. Oh, the brain-bots certainly missed you, sir. Did you miss your daddy? Who's a menacing Iittle cyborg? You are. Yes, you are. No biting. No, no, no, no, no, no. You want the wrench? Go get the wrench.

Oh, Iook at that.

Now, back to Iaughing. She's awake. Quick, to work. Miss Ritchi, we meet again. Would it kill you to wash the bag? You can scream all you wish, Miss Ritchi. I'm afraid no one can hear you. Wh... Why isn't she screaming? Miss Ritchi, if you don't mind? Like this... But that's, that's a poor Iady scream. He's a Iittle better. Is there some kind of nerdy super-villain Web site where you get Tesla coils and blinky dials? Actually, most of it comes from an outlet store in... Don't answer that.

Romania.

Don't! Stop! She's using her nosy reporter skills on your weak-willed mind to find out all our secrets. Such tricks won't work on me...

Please talk slower.

...temptress. What secrets? You're so predictable. Predictable? Predictable? Oh, you call this predictable? Your alligators. Yes. Yeah, I was thinking about it on the way over. What's this? Boom! In your face.

Clich.

No! Look, watch.

Juvenile.

Shock and awe.

Tacky.

Oh, it's so scary!

Seen it.

What's this one do? Garish.

OK, the spider's new.

Spider? Yes. The... The spee-ider. Even the smallest bite from Arachnis deathicus will instantly paralyze... Get it off! It bit me! Give it up, Megamind. Your plans never work. Let's stop wasting time and call your boyfriend in tights, shall we? It is with great pleasure that I present to Metro Man his new museum. If you please.

Metro Man!

Hey! My kid can't see.

Megamind!

Oh, bravo, Metro Man. Boo! Yes, I can play along too. Boo! Should've known you'd try to crash the party. Oh, I intend to do more than crash it. This is a day you and Metrocity shall not soon forget. It's pronounced Metro City! Potato-tomato, potato-tomato. We all know how this ends: with you behind bars. I'm shaking in my custom baby seal leather boots. You will leave Metrocity, or this will be the last you ever hear of Roxanne Ritchi. Roxanne! Don't panic, Roxie.

I'm on my way.

Yeah, I'm not panicking. In order to stop me, you need to find me first, Metro Man. We're at the abandoned observatory. No, we're not! Don't listen to her. She's crazy. Metro Man approaching, sir. Hold on a second. Oh, good heavens! You didn't think you were in the real observatory, did you? Ready the death ray, Minion. Death ray, readying. Over here, old friend. In case you haven't noticed, you've fallen right into my trap. You can't trap justice. It's an idea, a belief. Even the most heartfelt belief can be corroded over time. Justice is a non-corrosive metal. But metals can be melted by the heat of revange. It's "revenge," and it's best served cold. But it can be easily reheated in the microwave of evil. Well, I think your warranty is about to expire. Maybe I got an extended warranty. Warranties are invalid if you don't use the product for its intended purpose. Oh, girls, girls, you're both pretty. Can I go home now? Of course. That is, if Metro Man can withstand the full, concentrated power of the sun! Fire! Minion. Fire?

It's still warming up, sir.

Come again?

Warming up, sir.

Warming up? The sun is warming up? One second more and... ...just tippy-tappy tippy-tap-tap, tip-top more,

and we are ready in just...

Honestly! On my way, Roxie. I told you to have things ready. I told you countless times. Why do you always blame me? My spider bite is acting up. Your plan is failing. Just admit it. Yeah, good Iuck with that one. Whose side are you on?

The Iosing side.

Thank you. Could someone stamp my Frequent Kidnapping Card? You of all people know we discontinued that promotion.

Ciao-ciao, all!

Same time next week? Dag! Crab nuggets!

What did he just say?

"Crab nuggets"? Fackled fish cracker! Ten seconds to full power.

Good Iord, I'm trapped.

Ten...

What kind of trickery is this?

...nine...

You mad genius.

...eight...

Your dark gift has finally paid off.

...seven...

It... It has?

...six... This dome is obviously Iined with copper.

Yeah? So?

Sir...

Copper drains my powers.

...two...

Your weakness is copper?

...one.

You're kidding, right?

Full power. I don't think even he could survive that. Well, Iet's not get our hopes up just yet.

Look!

Metro Man! Metro Man. Metro Man!

You... You did it, sir.

I did it? He did it.

I did it?

He did it.

You did it, sir.

I did it!

You did it!

I did it! Metrocity is mine!

You did it, sir!

I did it! Yeah, me, me!

Yes, I did it!

Us! We both did it!

Not us! I!

You, a Iittle more

than me but still, come on!

A Iot more than you. When they're giving out the awards,

I'm gonna be right there next to you.

What awards? What awards, for what? Hit it! Drop 'em! First off, what a turnout. How wild is this? AII I did was eliminate the most powerful man in the universe. Are there any questions? Go on. Yes! You in the back. I'm sure we'd all Iike to know what you plan to do with us and this city. Good, I'm glad you asked that. Imagine the most horrible, terrifying, evil thing you can possibly think of, and multiply it... by six! In the meantime, I want you to carry on with the dreary, normal things you normal people do. Let's just have fun with this. Come on. And I will get back to you. Now slam the door really hard. They... They can still see you.

Now?

Your elbow's still in. Good. There he is, Mr. Evil Overlord Oh, Minion, did you think this day would ever come? No way. Not at all, sir. Never. Never in a million... I mean...

Yes, I did.

Look at the intricate mouldings. I'm Iooking. I'm Iooking. And what's this? It's Iike one of the giant monitors in the Iair. But it seems to only carry one station. Oh, that, sir, is called a window.

Window?

AII the kids are Iooking through them. I've never had a view before. Metrocity, Minion, it's all mine. If my parents could see me now. Sir, I'm sure they're smiling down from evil heaven. And now that Mr. Goody Two-Shoes is out of the way, I can have everything I want, and there's no one to stop me! I know. I know. Always thirsty, never satisfied. I understand you, Iittle well-dressed bird. Purposeless, emptiness. It's a vacuum, isn't it? It's... What's your vacuum Iike? Hey, hey, hey, hey! Not now, Minion. I'm in a heated, existential discussion with this dead-eyed, plastic desk toy. Is... Is something wrong, sir? Just think about it. We have it all. Yet, we have nothing. It's just too easy now. I'm sorry, you've Iost me, sir. I mean, we did it, right? Well, you did it, sir. Yes, you've made that perfectly clear. Then why do I feel so... mel-on-choly. "Mel-on-choly"?

Unhappy.

Well... What if tomorrow, we could go kidnap Roxanne Ritchi. That always seems to Iift your spirits. Good idea, Minion. But without him, what's the point?

"Him," sir?

Nothing. OK, all right. We'll just... that's something to consider... ...and... Well, I think I'll just power down for a while then. He was always there for us. Dependable. Perhaps we took him for granted. You know, maybe, we never really know how good we have it until it's gone. We miss you, Metro Man. I miss you. And I have just one question for Megamind: Are you happy now? This is Roxanne Ritchi, reporting from a city without a hero. Coming up next, are you ready to be a slave army? What you need to know. And... wrap that up and give it to a child on Christmas,

'cause we're done.

OK. See you tomorrow, Hal. Wait. Roxie, I'm having a party at my house. It's gonna be, Iike, off the hook, or whatever. You should come over. I got a deejay, rented a bouncy house, made a gallon of dip. It's gonna be sick. Oh. I... I don't know, Hal. I don't really feel Iike being around a bunch of people. No, no, no, that's the best part. It'll just be Iike you and me. Wow. That... that's certainly very tempting, but... I did hire a wedding photographer. That's just in case we were Iike, something crazy happened and we wanted a picture of it. Like, maybe we should have this for, Iike, ever. Like a memory, you know? I'm gonna pass. I have some work here that I need to do, anyway. Cool. So Thursday? Soft Thursday?

Good night, Hal.

That's a soft yes on Thursday. What's wrong with me? Rented a bouncy house? Chicks don't Iike bouncy houses.