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Re: Bees

from Dreachu on 03/19/2020 12:52 AM

Bees

from tSpikePhone on 03/15/2020 05:11 AM

"According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.""According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. It's wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible."

Emoji Movie script

from Dreachu on 03/13/2020 07:45 AM

The world we live in. It's so wondrous, mysterious, even magical. No. No, not that world. I meant this one. The smartphone. Each system and program and app is its own little planet of perfect technology, all providing services so necessary, so crucial, so unbelievably profound. Look who just sent me a text. Addie McAllister? Must be a mistake. Or a joke. Or a scam. Don't send her your Social Security number. Dude. She's right there. That's our user, Alex. And, like every freshman in high school, his whole life, everything, revolves around his phone. And, as the pace of life gets faster and faster... Phones down in five. And attention spans get shorter and shorter and... You're probably not even listening to me right now. Who has the time to type out actual words? And that's where we come in, the most important invention in the history of communication... Emojis. That's my home. Textopolis. Here, each of us does one thing, and we have to nail it every time. The Christmas Tree just has to stand there all festive. Merry Christmas. It's still September, Tim. The Princesses... I am so pretty. They just got to wear their crowns and keep their hair combed. You guys, we are so pretty. Devil, Poop, Thumbs Up. They just show up, and they're good to go. But for the faces, the pressure is on. Crier always has to cry, even if he's just won the lottery. Hooray! I'm a billionaire! The Laugher is always laughing, even if he's just broken his arm. I can see the bone! Now, me, I'm a Meh. So I got to be totally over it all the time, you know, like, "Meh, who cares?" Which is not as easy as it sounds. Morning, Mrs. D. I see you have the little minis with you. They're so cute. That is so adorable, I can't take it! Now I'll never get them to sleep. Stick to your one face, weirdo. No! No! It's hard to always act blase, when living in Textopolis is just so exciting. Hello, good simians. Those are some sharp attaches. Yes, well, we have business to attend to. What kind of business? Monkey business. I sounded British! Meh. That was really good. Meh. Meh. That was a great... -Whatcha doing there, mate? -Practicing. Today is my first day on the phone. Boy. I'm gonna be so meh. What are you gonna do? Me and the boys are gonna throw ourselves on the barbie! Here's my sauce now. G'day, mate. Hey. Konnichiwa. Sorry, emoticons! I hate knocking over the elderly. Here, let me help, let me help. My colon! Is that the time? Hey, my eyes are up here, pal. Yeah! All right! Right on time. So, last week, Alex sends me next to this guy. That kid! Where does he get this stuff? Why are you laughing, freak? Now, unlike me, my parents are total pros. Gene, please tell me you weren't laughing just now. In public. He was. I remember. Let's go somewhere more private. I have some bad news, Gene. And I'm afraid you'll have the wrong reaction. Okay. What's the wrong reaction? Anything other than "meh." Come on. I don't want to be late. I'm not letting you go to work today. Wait, what? You're just not ready, son. Come on! Working in the cube is an emoji's whole purpose in life. Everybody my age is working on the phone except for me. Sweetie, that's not true. Yeah! I'm gonna work on the phone, and I'm only 10. That's because I believe in you. Should we wash our hands? No, no, no. We're number two! We're number two! We're number two! See? I... I know I'm different, okay? But when I need to, I can be meh. I just... I want to be a working emoji, you know, like... Like everybody else, and then... Then I would finally fit in, you know? You fit in, honey. No, I don't, Mom. I never have. But I can change all that if you'd just let me. Just give me a chance. But what if you get sent out on the phone, making the wrong face? No, Dad, I'll make the right face. Look. Meh... You're so handsome when you make that face. I think he's ready, Mel. Meh. Come on, Dad. Let me prove it to you. If you really think you're ready. I am! Yes! Yes. I promise, I won't let you down. Stop. Congratulations, everyone! What an exciting day for all of you. It's really her. Pizza! Hey! Your first day on the job. Hi. Hi. Don't be nervous. I won't bite. Hi. I'm Smiler. Don't touch me. Hi! Okay. I mean, hey. As you know, I'm Smiler. I am the system supervisor here because I was the original emoji. Here's how it works. It's nothing fancy. Wait a minute. It's really fancy! You each have your own cube on the emoji bar. If Alex chooses you, should you be so lucky, your cube will light up. It's showtime. The scanner will scan you, and that scan will get sent right up to Alex's text box. And let me tell you, guys, there is nothing like getting scanned for the first time. You're gonna love it. Really. Now, over here is the favorites section where you'll find all the most popular emojis. And, of course, you'll find my cube here. You are smooth. Just doing my duty. What? What did I say? Rocket looking to party. Come on, tell me you aren't just a little bit tempted. Steven, for the last time, I don't want to buy a time-share. Come on, man, it's Hi-5. You know me, I'm a favorite. Alex hasn't picked you in weeks. And if he stops picking you, you're no longer a favorite. It's got to be some sort of mistake. I mean, look at me, I'm an attractive hand giving a high five. Fist Bump. Come on in. Hey. Fist Bump? He's a knucklehead. Literally. Look at him. I can look like that. Cramp. Huge mistake. Help. Help me. Help up the hand. There you go. Thanks, mate. Hey, little Meh, how about you create a distraction, and then I'll just slip under the rope? Is someone lost? Smiler, hi. Just leaving. Yeah, you know, just killing time before I go back to my cube in the far corner where Alex can't even see me anymore! You may not be a favorite anymore, but you will always have a place in the cube. Yeah, in the nosebleeds. I'm standing right here. Words hurt. The most important thing I can tell you is to just be yourself. Blah. I was made to be happy, so I am always smiling. Places, please. Emojis to your cubes. Attention. We've got incoming. Got to be meh. Got to be meh. My gosh, my own cube. I can't believe it. I could put a plant over here. And over here could go an inspirational calendar. Okay. Got to be meh. Got to be meh. Look at our son down there. I'm just beaming with pride. You don't think he'll actually get picked, do you? Hie-ro-gly-phics. Hieroglyphics was an ancient language of picture forms. Does that remind anyone of anything? Hello? A language of pictures. Anyone? Early hieroglyphs date back as far as 3,300... I got to reply to Addie's text. What should I write? Nothing. Words aren't cool. Okay. Be cool. Be cool. All right, Alex is not sure how he wants to play this. I would really love it to be me. Beam me up! Beam me up! I need Thumbs Up on standby. Yeah! Thumbs Up is going in! Wait! Alex is changing his mind. He's moving. Okay. Looks like it's gonna be Meh. I'm so nervous, I could almost shrug. We are go for Meh. Initiating scan. Okay. You can do this. I can't do this! I can't do it! What is this? Stop the scan! I can't! It's too late! Meh, meh, meh, meh. My goodness, I'm freaking out! What's he doing? He's making the wrong face! Good for him! Little... Wait, what? Be meh! Be meh! Be meh! Abort! Abort! Shut it down! Shut it down! What is that emoji? Wrong emoji sent! Evacuate the Meh cube! Evacuate the cube! I got to get out of here. Get that bozo out of there! I'm trying! No! My God. The humanity. Medic. Sorry, everybody. That was not what I meant to do. I kinda... I kinda panicked. Are you even a Meh at all? Course he is. He's my spitting image. If you have expressions other than meh, what you are is a malfunction. Malfunction? No! I can be meh. Just give me one more chance. That's not gonna happen. You know what would be really fun? A board meeting. Where we could figure out what to do with you! I knew there was something wrong with him. A malfunction? What's gonna happen to him? He can't work on the phone. What would Alex think? What do his parents think? I just wanted to be useful, you know? Fit in. Now everybody thinks I'm a malfunction. I am a malfunction. Even if you are a malfunction, Gene, your mom and dad still love ya. I knew you weren't ready. Let's get you out of here and take you home. One day, all this will blow over, and everyone will almost forget about what you did. Until then, you should probably stay locked up in the apartment. Wait. You want to hide me away? You're embarrassed of me. It's for your own safety. We're trying to protect you, son. Gene? Where are you going? I'm not gonna run away from this. I'm an emoji, and even though I'm not sure exactly which one, I've got to have some sort of purpose here. I know it. Gene, no. Sweetie, please. Boy. A malfunction... Order! Order! The motion is carried. So, how'd it go, Gavel? Hey, Light Bulb, tell me what's going on in there. What? Poop, what is it? Tell me, turd. Tell me true. What happened? I know it was an accident. We all have accidents. You're so soft, Poop. Not too soft, I hope. Gene! We were just gonna come looking for you. Why don't you come inside the boardroom, and we can have a teeny, weeny chat. Um, I came up here to defend myself, but you seem pretty happy. So, good news? Right. I'm always happy. Right. Hashtag truth. Well, the only thing that could ever make me unhappy is if one of our emoji team made a mistake, which caused Alex to lose faith in the phone. And then our whole world gets wiped out. Smiler, I double-pinky-swear promise to you that I will never, ever make a mistake in the cube again. We know you won't, Gene. We know you won't. You know, the first time you said it, it sounded genuine, but then you repeated it, and then, that was weird. That's because we're setting you up with our best Anti-Virus Bots. So, they'll like... They'll just... They're gonna fix me? Actually, delete you. But yes! If you get deleted, you don't have to worry about what your purpose is or the future or why you're such a malfunction. 'Cause you're deleted, right? All right, good talk. Bots! No! Don't let him escape! Party time! Wait a minute... The air is better here. Beer, Tea. I'm Coffee! Sorry. Sheesh. So edgy. My old cube. Take a hike, Mike. -My name's not Mike. -What? There's AV Bots coming! For me? Just because I'm in the wrong section? Holy deleto! What do we do? Quick! This way! Let's go. Don't tell anyone you're about to see this. They'll never find us down here. Where are we? The basement? No. Welcome to the Loser Lounge, where the emojis who never get used hang out. Go fish, Fish Cake With Swirl. Sweep so you won't cry. Sweep so you won't cry. Sweep so you won't cry. I almost got deleted. Me, Hi-5. Hey. What's up, Hi-5? They weren't trying to delete you. They were trying to delete me. You? What's so important about you they'd send out an entire team of Bots? They say I'm a malfunction. You bringing malfunctions in here now, Hi-5? For crying out loud, Abandoned Luggage, that had better not be my leftover Chinese food. What Chinese food? Do you have any idea what it's like to be living large, hashtag blessed, the favorite of the favorites, and then demoted to this pit of despair? Here, will you hit my calluses for me? At least you're a working emoji. That's all I ever wanted. Well, if that's all it'll take for you to be satisfied, then just find a hacker and get reprogrammed. It's not that complicated. Where would I find a hacker? In the Piracy app. Duh. Who took my clear nail polish? Piracy app? To get there, I mean, I'd have to leave Textopolis. So? I've done it. Would you be a brother? One of the Princess emojis left the phone altogether. Now she lives on the cloud. That is good. I'm sure the hacker that helped her do that could easily reprogram you. The name's Jailbreak. Jailbreak? That's great! Reprogrammed. I just need to be reprogrammed, and then, I can finally be the Meh I was meh to be. Help me find that hacker, Hi-5. Will you? Please? Maybe this hacker could help you, too. Like rewrite some code, get you into the favorites section. Wait a minute. I've been trying to use my charisma and sense of entitlement to get me back on top, but all I need is a hacker. Today's your lucky day. Let's roll. Hey, can I come, too? Talk to the hand, Red Wagon. I thought I was. Bye, Felicia. Ciao, Fish Cake with Swirl. Daddy's heading back to the VIPs where he belongs! Wait. What about the Bots? Good point. Good point. Ouch! Hey. I shouldn't have picked the cactus. I just... I shouldn't have picked it. You didn't even try to get the tree. It's baffling. Let's go. Hi-5? Hello? Hi-5? Where are you? I'm right here! Gene! Here we are, end of the text app. No way. Come on, Gene. It's perfectly safe. Gene, help me! The wallpaper monster's got me! No! Hold on, hold on! Hi-5! No. This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Hi-5! I'm... I'm just messing with you. It's one of those rubber finger-monster puppets from the '80s. I collected the whole set. All right, you coming? What do I do? What do you mean? Just take a step through the other side. This is it. The next time I come back here, I'll be a real Meh. Hi-5? No! Are you finished? Where are we? Welcome to the Wallpaper. This place is incredible. Each app is its own unique world. That's my face. You're on my... Thank you. What is this place? WeChat. It's like a whole other world. It is. What are they? They're Bubble Pups. They might be cute, but, man, are they clingy. Whee! They're stickers, Gene. Try to get with the program. This is so cool. Wait. What's in that one? -Guys, look at this picture. -Look at my baby. This is what I ate for breakfast. -This is what I ate for lunch! -Here's me on a hike! Here's me in the gym! Here's me in the bathroom! Everybody's talking about themselves. How does he know so many people? None of these people know him, but they like him, and that's what matters in this life, popularity. I... I think I'd... I think I'd rather just have a real friend. A real friend? How's that gonna get you anywhere? What you need are fans. They give you complete and unrelenting support. As long as you're on top. Poor Gene. I blame myself. I blame you, too. I just wanted to be supportive. You just wanted a vacation. You take that back, Mel Meh. Bots. If they haven't found Gene by now, he must have skipped town. You mean the Wallpaper? Our boy's on the run. How about we find him ourselves? Yeah, for sure. Tell all Bots to follow those Mehs. I'm sure they'll know all the freaky-deaky apps Gene will hide out in. I'm really good at making plans, you guys. Right? Here we are. The Piracy app. This is where we'll find Jailbreak. Um... But this is the Dictionary. That's just what Alex wants his parents to think. This is called a skin. Really? What could a teenage boy possibly want to hide from his parents? Just try to keep up. This place can get a little rough. Ahoy, mateys. Look who's back! Hi-5! I'm a bit of a celebrity here. Always welcome.! Loser! Come on. Follow me. Great. Emojis. I thought the conversation just got dumber. Internet trolls. Just ignore them. Eventually, they'll get a job or a girlfriend or some sort of purpose in life, and they'll stop. Virus. We'll just... We'll just walk over this way. Hi! It's so great to see you again. Do I know you? It's Spam. Just sign here and I can get you special discounts on vitamins and credit card offers that can save you up to 25%. No, no, no, don't get sucked in. Back off, Spam! It's the only way to deal... Back off! Thank you very much! You can illegally download our CD right here. Hey, Trojan Horse. How are you? Yeah, what'll it be, hand? I'll have a bottle of "Hack Daniel's." Maybe with a plate of cheese and hackers? You trying to find a hacker? You can just ask, you know. Sorry. Um, yes. We're looking for a hacker named Jailbreak. I know a guy that can hook you up. Right over there. He looks capable. No, not him. Her. Wait. He's a she? Hey, Jailbreak. Mind if we join you? Yes. That's the thing about the Internet, isn't it? You can never tell if someone's being ironic or sincere. I sincerely, unironically want you to go away. That's a good one. So, here's the thing. My friend Gene here has a little problem. Well, see, I'm supposed to be a Meh, but I don't really feel... Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's good. And we thought you could help, since you got the Princess, you know, off the phone. Not interested. Hold up. That's not a Meh face. Bots! They're after me! How are you doing that? Look, it's just something I can do. Can you help us? Follow me. Bots! Delete my history! I corrupted the entire hard drive. I made the most delicious cinnamon buns. Maybe if there was something to, you know, jog my memory. Come on! Move! Hey, Trolls, why is that mailbox wearing a tuxedo? Hi! It's so great to see you again! Call me! This tunnel will get us out of here. Move! Did that cloud taste sweet to you?! Help me! Help! I'm stuck! Sweet motherboard! Where am I? Get me out of here. Hey, Palm Face. Try getting him out the top! Already on it! Hold tight, Gene. This feels very odd, and it smells. I mean, it smells good, it smells delicious, but I still don't like it. The game obviously thinks you're a candy, even though you're weirdly misshapen, you know? What are we gonna do? Stay very still. Don't worry. We've got your back. Right, Hi-5? Hey, Fingers! You want to focus? For your information, I happen to have a sugar addiction, and it's a very serious... Listen, Finger Head! We have to get Gene out of the game without blowing him up. I don't want to blow up. We have to match up the candies, so that Gene will drop to the bottom. And we can't match him with any yellows, or else... Don't do that. Please don't do that. Watch. Match three in a row. Don't blow Gene up. Got it. And we have to be very careful. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Careful. -Candy! Watch it! Hey! No! No, no, no! Slow down. Not the yellows! Not the yellows. I said careful! My mom just joined Facebook. Can you believe she wanted to friend me? Hey, Addie, I was just wondering if you are... Tasty. What? Um... Excuse me? Sweet. Hey, Addie! Hi, Nikki. See you later, Alex. Sugar Crush. So over this. Wireless Wireless. How may I help you? I'd like to make an appointment. It's like this phone is playing games with me. Hey, what does this do? No! Get me out of here! No! Stop it! Stop, stop! It's not working. Well, there's one option left. We line you up with the yellows. But you said not to do that. Special candies get transported to that jar. The game might think you're a special candy. And what if it doesn't think I'm a special candy? Well... Jailbreak, hello? Hello, Jailbreak? Sorry. What if it doesn't think I'm a special candy? I'm not too worried about it. Okay, just do it. Gene! Gene? Hey. No! Gene! You're alive! You were trying to see if I had somehow turned into candy, weren't you? Yes, I was. And you have not. Hey. Looks like something popped up on Alex's calendar. I'm sure it's nothing. Alex made an appointment at the phone store. No! Calm down, everyone! Calm down. Don't worry. Everything is fine. Maybe Alex just wants to buy some accessories. His appointment is with technical support. Well, I'm sure we still have plenty of time to figure this out. His appointment is for tomorrow. Then maybe it's just for some routine maintenance. Actually, it's to erase the phone. Listen, Gene, I'm about to become your knight in shining armor. You are? Yeah. But first, we need to get uploaded to the cloud. That's where we'll find the source code to reprogram you. The cloud? Isn't that off the phone? Ding, ding, ding, ding. You got it. Yeah, the cloud. Off the phone. We're in Candy Crush, obvs. I know a shortcut to Just Dance, which is right next to Dropbox, where we can get uploaded to the cloud. Of course. Just Dance, then boogie over to Dropbox, catch the link, and zoom. Hold up. Here's the stinker. Before they let us into the cloud, we have to get past this firewall. The firewall uses face identification. Yeah, the firewall. Which is really annoying, because I've already tried to get through. Guessed wrong once, and now I'm locked out for life. Locked out for life? You're thinking, 'cause I can make different faces, the firewall will think I'm different emojis. Yeah. I wanted to say it 'cause it was my idea. You know, women are always coming up with stuff that men are taking credit for. You know what... Well, then let's hit the road. Hi-5, you coming? I'm coming! Why do I always think I'm gonna come around on black licorice? My precious. Hey! Move it! Certain death, here we come. Let's try this one. YouTube? What a visual treat. And I don't even need a remote. That guy is so expressive. He reminds me of Gene. Yeah. Something really wrong with him. Our son is a malfunction, and you should never have let him go into that cube. Don't blame me for this, Mel. I am hopping mad at you. See? Mary, I think we're being followed. But don't overreact. I told you not to overreact. What are you doing now? They'll be in there for hours. Mary, where are you going? I think we should go our separate ways, Mel. I thought I knew the Meh that I married, but maybe I don't. But, Mary... This tunnel will help us avoid the Bots. Thanks for helping us. It's really nice of you. NBD, dude. The truth is, you're helping me. Come on, let's move it. Why so slow? Hi-5, stop. Why are you getting so close? What's with you? Back off. Can't stop now. I'm having a sugar rush! I'll go around you. If I stop moving, my heart's gonna explode! Coming through, Jailbreak! Look out! Hey! Watch it, Knuckle Butt! I can't feel my face. So, Jailbreak, back there you said I'm helping you. I've been trying to get past that firewall for months. Come on, come on! The faster we get there, the faster I become a favorite! Look at me! I just want to bounce out of here, get off the phone, and live on the cloud. What just happened? You don't like it here? There's so many rules here. What is up with that? The cloud is supposed to be amazing. There's so much to see and do. Sugar crash. I can't hold on anymore. Catch me, Gene. Catch me! And you can be whoever you want. Thanks. You're free! Come on! My gosh, my hands are sweating. You are a hand! Yeah! You know, come to think of it, I don't really remember there ever being a hacker emoji. Um, you know, you're taking up too much of my brain space. Let's keep the chitchat to a minimum. Someone likes you. What are you talking about? This is just like when Peace Sign gave me just one finger. I knew she was in love with me. Let's go! I'm never eating another piece of candy ever again. Hi-5, don't do it. Don't you do it. It's already been in there once. Don't do it. Are my fingers getting fat? I'll tell you what, this bandage wasn't so tight before. Okay. We get through this app, and Dropbox is right on the other side. We just need to keep it super DL in here. And no matter what, we can't turn it on. OMG, this turned it on! What? I'm a hand. It's a big, red button. What's happening? No, no, no, no, no! Welcome to Just Dance! Follow my moves and you get to move forward. Do the wrong moves and you get an "X." Three strikes and you're out. Out? What does she mean by "Out"? Digital death. Thanks to you, Fingers. Now we're gonna have to dance our way out. Which is all right with me, 'cause I can shake it like Michael. Or Michael's glove, anyway. Are you ready to dance? This is bad, Gene. I can't dance. I got no groove. Come on. Everybody can dance. Not me, okay? I'm really stiff. See? I can't... Don't understand. Okay. No, no... Stop, stop. She has to stop. I see now what you are saying. Just follow her moves. Ready to dance in three... This I can't do. Two... Dude... Just shut up and... Dance! It's too easy! Hee-hee! Shamone! Jailbreak! I got you. Look. Just feel the music. Express yourself. Through dance? Yeah, you got it! Go, girl! Now throw some sauce on that dance burrito. I'm doing it! I'm fully nailing this dance! You got it! Great job! You're moving on to free dance! Impress us with your moves to move forward. More dancing? You're killing it, Gene! Slay! Nice! Shake it, Gene. You won't break it. Wait a minute! I've never seen that dance before. What's it called? Um... The Emoji Pop? I love it! What? You do? Everybody, do the Emoji Pop! Hoo! Yes! Princess. You're the Princess emoji? You never got off the phone. Welcome, new players! What? Who? No! We got to go. Don't worry. They're robots. They can't dance. Downloading funk protocol. "Can't dance," he says. Move! Congratulations. You're a disco diva. Hey, Alex, you gonna dance for us? Alex, that's extra homework for you. Hey, Alex, you gonna shake it? No! No, no, no, no, no, no! Alex must be deleting the app. Watch out! We got to get out of here. Come on! This song is my jam. Hi-5, come on! Let's go! Hurry! Hi-5! Gene! I got you! Gene... Hi-5! Gene. Hey, wait. Where's Hi-5? Alex trashed the app. And Hi-5 right along with it. Wait, what? Wait, trashed? Hi-5 is in the trash? He wanted to dance. But I knew it was a bad idea. We got to get him out of there. Gene, Dropbox is right here. That's our ticket to the cloud. And the trash is on the other side of the phone. We don't know how many other Bots are out there. I'm sorry. No way. We can't go without Hi-5. I don't care how far away it is. That's my friend down there. I'm not just gonna leave him to get deleted. What? What is it? I've always just thought you got to look out for number one. Well, what good is it to be number one if there aren't any other numbers? Okay. I'm sorry. This is my malfunction. I just... I can't be meh about anything. This is why I'm going to get reprogrammed. Well, it's actually kind of cool. Wait, really? You know, I think I know a shortcut. We can take the music streams in Spotify. Let's go give that big hand a hand. Come on. Alex trashed the Just Dance app, and our Bots are offline, and it's giving me a real headache. I am so angry. I really need to stay happy. Can we please lighten the mood? No one can resist una fiesta! Not that happy. We've only got four hours before Alex's phone appointment. If they find a malfunction on the phone, we are all gonna be wiped. Yeah. She said, "Wiped." Aim higher, Steven. I didn't want to have to do this, but it is fun to press buttons. The illegal upgrade. Now that makes me happy. I just want to dance. Dance, please. Arr! Quiet, you sassy gypsy. Where am I? Hi! It's so great to see you again! You're in the trash, Fingers for Brains. Get away from me, Troll. Hi! It's so great to see you again! I got to get out of here. You can't. And at the end of the day, the trash gets emptied, and we're all gonna die! No. No, no! This is the last face you will ever see. No! This is Spotify? Yep. Every one of those streams is a different song. Is it safe? Yeah! Are you sure this is a good idea? Fastest way to the trash, dude! Could we at least pick a calmer stream? Okay, buzzkill. Alex. A bunch of people are hitting the promenade. I think Addie might be there, too. That's perfect! I have an appointment down there, anyway. I've got to get this phone fixed. Hey, bubble butt. Yeah, you do. Much better. So, I got to ask. Is it true that when a princess whistles, birds fly down from the skies, and... Hello, stereotype. That is a complete and total myth. I'm sorry. Did you realize that on the first emoji set, a woman can either be a princess or a bride? That's why I need to get to the cloud, where you can be whoever you want to be. Get ready. Whale song coming. -Wait, wait. Whale what? -A whale song. From Alex's biology presentation. You're not gonna see that sitting around in a cube. It's funny. You want out of the cube, and I want in. Gene, if that means you can't be yourself, what's the point? You know, I think you're pretty cool just the way you are. We're gonna need this. In the trash? Me? I used to be somebody. Here I am. Look. In an old e-mail Alex never sent. "Addie, blah, blah, blah, blah, bla-la-la-la." And then there's me, Hi-5, right there, doing my job. FYI, nobody cares about you. Just leave me, Troll, and let me die in this dump alone. Let me look for the world's smallest violin in here, so you can play it. It's the Hand Angel of Mercy. She's finally come for me. Give me your hand! I mean, give me yourself. Take my hand, angel. I'm ready to take my place amongst the other great hands of the past. It's me, Gene! Gene? I got him! Take me with you. Hi-5! Let go of me. Don't leave me down here! You were wrong, Troll. People do care about me. And I'm not upset, Troll. Do you see how not upset I am? Gene, you came back for me. You saved me. It wasn't just me. Jailbreak helped, too. And she's a hugger. Give her a squeeze. No, no, no. There really is nothing greater than the feeling of being truly free. You filthy trolls, I inhaled your stench, but I was once one of you, so I, too, feel your pain. Now go. Be free! Should be smooth sailing from here. Gene. Gene. Gene? Are you Instagramming? Where is my Gene? Mary. You've really done it this time. No, you haven't. Mel? What are you doing in Alex's trip to France album? I was looking for you. None of this is your fault, Mary. It's mine. What do you mean? Is that a tear on your cheek? It's my fault Gene is the way he is. I have other expressions, too. I think they've just been buried away. But with Gene going missing and thinking I might have lost you, too... Mel. Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know myself. Right now, I'm so overwhelmed with passionate feelings for you. Mary, my love for you burns with the intensity of a red-hot flame. I like that, Mel. Let's go find our son. Together. We'll always have Paris, Mary. So, you're a princess. I saw your little tiara. Very fancy. Is it true when a princess whistles, birds fly down from... That's what I said! No, guys! That's a stupid myth! What software version are we living in? Go read an e-book. Educate yourselves. Just look behind you. What the... What is that? Smiler must have upgraded her Bots. Let's get out of here before it... Hi, Gene. Remember me? Smiler. I'm coming to you live from the amphitheater. Why don't you come back to Textopolis and we can talk through our differences, okay? My friend here will escort you, all right? I'm gonna see you soon, buddy. Bye, now. We're actually gonna delete him in front of everyone. Psst! It's still on! It's still what? Jiminy Sassafras! Move! Separate! Tangle him up! Jailbreak! Gene! This way! It's still after me! Let's go. We have to make it to Dropbox. Yes! No! Go low! Don't worry. It can't get in. It's illegal malware, and this app is secure. Come on. Welcome to Dropbox. You are about to leave the phone. Remain seated, please. You might want to hang on. Why do they call this Dropbox, anyway? This is why! I see that now! Yeah! I think we're about to see that candy corn again! We made it. Hoo! Guys, guys, chill. We still have to get past that. Holy... Yeah. Hello. Welcome to the firewall. How may I help you? All right, here goes. What do I do? Sit in the corner and don't say a word. Keep those sausage fingers to yourself. Yes, Your Majesty Princess of Nightmares! Now, Gene, step onto the password icon, and I'll feed you the passwords. Okay. Okay. 10-11-2002. 10-11-2002. Access denied. Okay, try a different expression. Is it gonna blast me every time I mess up? Yeah, kinda. What do you mean, "Kinda"? Ready? Welcome to the firewall. His favorite food. Chimichangas. Chimichangas? Access denied. This might take a while. Boy. Krav Maga. Krav Maga. Major Lazer. Major Lazer. Abuela Dora! Skate or die. Access denied. Denied. I don't get it. We've tried all the important things in Alex's life. His favorite pet, sport, his favorite grandma. I'm sorry, Gene. I let us all down. You know, if I had to come up with a password, I'd probably use the name of a girl I liked. I've been all over the phone. He's never mentioned a girl. Yes, he has. Hi. When I was in the trash, I read a very interesting e-mail, but I'm just the dunce in the corner, forbidden to speak. What e-mail? Sorry, what? What e-mail? To a girl at school. He was declaring his feelings of love for her. I guess instead of sending it, he tossed it in the trash. Hi-5, this is very important. What is her name? Her name, yes. Excellent question. It was Tina. Karen. Marge. Lindsey. Alison. Sarah or Lupita. I want to say Lupita, but that doesn't feel right now I'm saying it out loud. Jennifer. Got to find that e-mail. Phillipa. I think I can access the trash. Annabelle. -I got it! Addie! -Yes! Yes! That's it! Addie! I knew I'd get there. "Dear Addie, you and I, we're like diamonds in the sky. "You're a shooting star I see, "a vision of ecstasy. "Shine bright like a diamond." And he used a high five, see? I guess now we know why he trashed it. Shade. Guys, should we try this? Addie. Access granted. Snap. This place is amazing. The cloud. I can't believe it. One little emoji could sure get lost in a place like this. I guess we should make you a Meh before that Bot comes back? So, we're gonna... We're gonna do that now? We had a deal. Right? Yeah, okay. Right. I, guess I'll start hacking. We did it, Gene. All our dreams are coming true. I'll be an Alex favorite again, and you'll be a real Meh. Yeah! Yeah, but this all seems kind of super-fast now, though. Doesn't it? Hi-5, I just didn't expect to be having these feelings right now. Well, maybe you should go and express them while you still can. So, I've been... I mean, um... Ever since we... Jailbreak, you're the coolest, most interesting emoji I've ever met. And after all the adventures that we had, I'm just not sure I want all that to go away, because my feelings right now are, like, huge. I just think that they could be enough for me to want to stay the way I am. If it means I could stay here with you. Like, forever. Forever and ever and ever. Maybe longer than that even. Like in the fairy tales. Like, what is "? Is that a good "? Gene, if this is about you deciding not to be meh, then I am all about that. I like you just the way you are. But I had a plan. Right. I'm not just some princess, Gene, waiting for my prince. I mean, what you said was beautiful, but... Gene. You're all meh. The source code worked! Turns out I didn't need it. For the first time in my life, meh is all I feel. No! Gene! Hi. I have an appointment. I'm a little early. No problem. I can take you right now. Jailbreak! Don't do that! That freaky huge Bot has got Gene back inside the phone. What? He left looking more meh than the meh-est meh face I've ever seen. What did you say to him? It's what I didn't say. We've got to go get him. How are we gonna get in there in time before he gets deleted? I can't believe I'm doing this. You tell anyone you saw this, and I'll crack more than those knuckles. Birds do love princesses! It's not a myth. It's not a myth at all! What happened to becoming a favorite? Guess I'd rather have one real friend. And let's go get him. I can't wait to see the look on Gene's face! Look at that expression. Is that for realizing you've put all of Textopolis at risk, causing Alex to question our reliability? Hey, that's going too far, even for me. If we can delete this malfunction before his appointment, they'll discover there's nothing wrong with the phone. Any last words? Meh. Well, it's too late for that. Delete him! Wait. You delete Gene, you'll have to delete me, too. I have the same malfunction Gene does. Dad? Gosh, I don't know what to do. Yes, I do. Bot! No! Sorry, Mrs. Meh. I did not see that one coming. Smiler, I think you might be making too much stink out of all this. Really? How about you're next? I was wrong, Gene. I should've believed in you all along. What a touching daddy-son reunion moment. It reminds me of the time I deleted you both. Wait. That's this time! Delete the two malfunctions! No. How's that for an... Great. I can't reach! No! What did you do to my beautiful... My tooth. Hand, button. Jailbreak? Gene. You really are a Meh. What happened to looking out for number one? Being number one doesn't matter if there aren't any other numbers. Alex's appointment! He's deleting the phone! No, no, no! Show me Alex. Are you sure you want to delete everything? Do it. Red alert! Red alert! Alex, no! Game over. Fellas, I'm afraid this is last call. Dude, Addie's here. You should go over. Every time I try, I screw it up. I don't know how to tell her how I feel. If we help Alex connect to Addie, maybe he won't delete us. I might be able to bypass the wipe and get a text through to him. But we'll only have time to send one. Maybe I should go. He has love in his eyes. Send me. Alex looks nervous, too. He's more shy than nervous. Stop! It's Gene. He's all of those things. An emoji should only be one thing. Really? The Princess! Linda! Not now, Mom! Gene, you got this. That's not me anymore. But I have to try. It's starting! No, it's ending! I'm working on it. Mom? Dad? No. I'm in. Last time I was in this cube, I screwed everything up. Gene, why do you think I came back? It's because of you. Me? It's all inside of you, Gene. Just try to bring it back. And do you. Hi-5! I don't want to wave good-bye. It's now or never, Gene. Jailbreak, now! Check out this emoji. No way. Hey, I got your text. That's one super-cool emoji. I know, right? A lot of feelings in one. I get it. I like that you're one of those guys who can actually express his feelings. Yeah. That's me. So, do you think you'd want to... Yes. I'd love to go to the dance with you. Hey, excuse me. We made it! I could've lost you, Peter Pinkie. Or you, Reggie Ring Finger. Even you, Tiberius Thumb. Change your mind? Yeah, maybe it's weird, but... I'm gonna hold on to it. Gene, you did it! You saved us all! Mel. Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene. Gene. Gene. Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! Gene! They love us! And Hi-5! And Hi-5! And Hi-5! And Hi-5! They love both of us! Hey, what up, Gene? Slap me some skin. And a little porridge for the pinkie. Hey, Hi-5, save me a dance for later. As long as you're not all hands again. Back on top of the hand pile. You're not on the list. -Wait, what? -What's going on? From now on, everyone is welcome! Wait, what is all this? It's for you, Gene. Everybody, the Emoji Pop! This is jazzy. Yeah. Go, Eggplant! Go, Eggplant! Go, Eggplant! We are out of Alex's pocket, emojis. This is not a butt dial. To your cubes. -Are we up and running? -Roger that. Good, 'cause we got incoming. Looks like it's gonna be Gene. Hey, Gene, ready to try out your new cube? In three, two...

SpongeBob SquarePants episode, band geeks, full script

from chrisabidrea on 03/13/2020 07:43 AM

Script

 

(Squidward plays his clarinet until doorbell rings) (Doctor Gill Gilliam is along with all the Joes.)

Doctor Gill Gilliam: Uhh, yeah, we're with the pet hospital down the street and I understand that you have a dying animal on the premises. (Squidward shuts door. phone rings)

Squidward: Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the (plays a clarinet note)

Squilliam: Sounds like you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh ol' chum?

Squidward: gasp Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!

Squilliam: I hear you're playing the cash register now.

Squidward: Sometimes. Uh, how's the unibrow?

Squilliam: It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.

Squidward: The ba-ba-ba...The ba-ba-ba...The ba-ba-ba?!?!

Squilliam: That's right. I'm living your dreams Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.

Squidward: Ohh, uhh, I...I, uhh...

Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now.

Squidward: Hold it! It just so happens that I don't sell fast food, I do have a band, and we're going to play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, Fancyboy?!

Squilliam: Good luck, next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of... Ibuprofen. (hangs up phone)

Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast! Drum...haha...band humor. (In the following lines, Plankton, Mrs. Puff, Mr. Krabs, and Larry are reading from a poster)

Sandy: Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?

Plankton: Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit Bikini Bottom.

Mrs. Puff: And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know.

Mr. Krabs: Not to mention free refreshments.

Larry: Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp. (Squidward looks at his watch while driving a shell cart)

Squidward: Stupid music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more band humor.

All: Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Squidward: People, people, settle down! Ok, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?

Plankton: Do instruments of torture count?

Squidward: No.

Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument?

Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. (Patrick raises his hand again) Horseradish is not an instrument, either. (Patrick lowers his hand) That's fine. No one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you. (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: When do we get the free food?

Squidward: Ok, try to repeat after me. (Squidward plays 5 notes) Brass section, go. (trumpet, trombone and tuba section repeats) Good. Now the wind. (flute oboe saxophone section repeats) And the drums. (drummers misunderstand what Squidward means, so they blow on their sticks which blow out and stick Squidward to the wall) Too bad that didn't kill me. (Next scene) Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.

SpongeBob: Is this the part where we start kicking?

Squidward: No, SpongeBob, that's a chorus line.

Patrick: Kicking?! I want to do some kicking! (Patrick kicks Sandy in the butt)

Sandy: Ow! Why, you...! (both take fight outside shouting outside)

Patrick: Ahh!!!!!! Hahahahahaah!!!!!! Whoever is the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on. (Patrick walks in with his body in a trombone.)

Narrator: Day two. (marching band walking down a street playing)

Squidward: Okay, that's perfect everybody. Bubble Bowl here we come. Flag twirlers, really spin those things. Okay, turn. Flag twirlers, let's go. I wanna see some spinning. Flag twirlers let's move!!! C'mon, move! [go up explosion and cornet play rip]

Narrator: Day three.

Squidward: How's that harmonica solo coming Plankton?

Plankton: It's tremendous, you want to see? (Plankton plays the harmonica and runs out of breath)

Narrator: Day four.

Squidward: Well, this is our last night together before the show. And I know that none of you improved since we began... (Patrick chews on a mellohorn) ...but I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?

Plankton: Correct!

Squidward: So, if we play loud, people might think we're good. Everybody ready? And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four! (windows break and Squidward's face is deformed when they make a piercing noise with their contact band instruments) Ok, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.

Harold (in British accent): Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws!

Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk?!

Harold (in British accent): Big, meaty claws!

Mr. Krabs: Well, these claws ain't just for attracting mates.

Harold (in British accent): Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!

SpongeBob: No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off.

Nancy: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us. (captions version Oh ho, so now the talking CHEESE is going to preach to us.)

Squidward: Wait, wait. I know tempers are high. (everyone gets into a fight. Pilar and Larry are yelling at each other. Medley slams a drum at him.) There's a deposit on the equipment, people! (everyone uses their instruments as weapons. Mr. Krabs and Harold charge at each other with oboes. Mrs. Puff slams them both with her cymbals.) Settle down, please. (Sandy and Frank are fighting. Sandy breaks the xylophone from Frank and Frank zooms. Patrick kicks Sandy, who chases him as the clock sounds at 10 and everyone stops fighting.)

Fred: Hey, class is over! (they all walk to the door where Squidward slams them open)

Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance of happiness and crushed it. Crushed it into little tiny, bite-size pieces. I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks. (sobbing) Thanks for nothing.

Patrick: You're welcome.

SpongeBob: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him. Evelyn, when your little Jimmy was trapped in a fire, who rescued him?

Evelyn: A firemen.

SpongeBob: And Larry, when your heart gave out from all those tanning pills, who revived you?

Larry: Some guy in an ambulance.

SpongeBob: Right. So, if we can all just pretend that Squidward was a fireman, or a guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means: to be in a contant and marching band.

Harold (in German accent): Yeah, for the firemen!

All: Hooray!

SpongeBob: Now let's make Squidward proud. A 1, a 2, a skiddleydiddleydoo.

(At Fair Bowl)

Squidward: I knew this was going to happen. They're just going to have to find another band to play. I just hope that... (sees Squilliam) ...Squilliam doesn't find out! Squilliam Ah! What are you doing here?

Squilliam: (laughs) I just wanted to watch you blow it. So, where's your band?

Squidward: Um, they couldn't come. They...died.

Squilliam: Then who's that?

Squidward: Ah! Thar would be my band!

SpongeBob: We're ready to perform, Squidward.

Squilliam: Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band would look. (SpongeBob dances)

Squidward: That's his...eager face. (Squilliam laughs. They all go into the Bubble Bowl)

Squidward: Well, I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town.

SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Squidward. (bowl raises above a football field)

Football Announcer: Ok, football fans. Put your hands together for the Bikini Bottom Super Band!!!

(Crowds of People are cheering).

Patrick: These are some ugly looking fish.

SpongeBob: Maybe we're in those toxic waste dumps.

Mr. Krabs: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Squidward: Ok, everybody. Let's get this over with. 1, 2, 3, 4.

(Music: "Sweet Victory") (SpongeBob begins singing)

The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill. The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. Don't ever look back on the wind closing in. The only attack were their wings on the wind. Oh, the daydream begins. And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight, in the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And the world is ours to follow. Sweet, sweet, sweet victory.

(Squidward jumps into the air, delighted that Squilliam got shocked of their performance)

Shreks script in italian

from chrisabidrea on 03/13/2020 07:42 AM

Shrek

 

Scena 1

Narratore C'era una volta una Principessa bellissima, vittima però di un tremendo incantesimo che poteva essere spezzato solo dal primo bacio d'amore. Era rinchiusa in un castello, sorvegliato da un terribile drago sputafuoco. Molti cavalieri coraggiosi avevano tentato di liberarla da quella prigione, ma senza successo. Ella attendeva nella fortezza del dragone, nella stanza più remota della torre più alta il suo vero amore e il suo primo bacio di vero amore....

Shrek Si! Aspetta e spera! Che bella storia....

Gente1 E' lì dentro. Prendiamolo

Gente2 Fermo: lo sai cosa può farti quel essere? Ti trita le ossa e ci fa il pane....

Shrek In verità gli orchi fanno cose peggiori: fanno un abito con la vostra pelle appena scuoiata, vi affettano il fegato, strizzano la gelatina dai vostri occhi....in effetti è squisita sui toast....

Gente1 Indietro, indietro bestia....

Shrek Ahhhhhh.......

Gente Ahhhhhh.......

Shrek A questo punto dovreste scappare.... Ricercate creature delle favole?

Guardia 1 I voli sono cancellati.... 20 pezzi per la strega.... Avanti un altro.

Ciuchino Non mi consegnare. Non sarò mai più testardo. Dammi un'altra possibilità...

Padrona Stai zitto!

Guardia 1 Cosa abbiamo qui?

Geppetto Un burattino di legno.

Pinocchio Non sono un burattino: sono un ragazzo vero!

Guardia 1 5 scellini per il giocattolo indemoniato, portatelo via...... avanti il prossimo. Che cosa avete?

Padrona Ecco, io ho un mulo parlante....

Guardia 1 Vale 10 scellini, se potete provarlo........ ebbene?

Padrona Su, parla piccoletto..... Parla, zuccone ignorante....(Da un calcio al mulo)

Ciuchino Ahi! Ebbene si. Ma non mi prenderete, brutti idioti.... (Fugge inseguito)

Guardia 2 Inseguiamolo......(Appena le guardi vedono Shrek fuggono). Ehi, tu, orco...!

Shrek Si?

Guardia 2 Per ordine di Lord Farquad sono autorizzato a trarvi entrambe in arresto e a portarvi ....

Shrek Tu e....quale esercito?

Ciuchino Posso dirti una cosa? Sei stato una vera forza!

Shrek Stai dicendo a me?

Ciuchino Come gliele hai suonate... mi ha fatto davvero piacere vederlo..... ahhh, che bello essere liberi!

Shrek Allora perché non vai a festeggiare la libertà con i tuoi amici?

Ciuchino Ma .... Io non ce li ho gli amici! E non mi sogno di andar la da solo. Ehi, ho una idea: resterò con te. Sei una stupenda macchina da guerra verde.

Shrek Ahhhhhhhhhh

Ciuchino Oh, mamma mia, che spavento. Ma sai, se questa cosa non funzionasse li stenderesti lo stesso. Dammi retta: ti serve una scatola di mentine perché hai l'alito che puzza!!! Mi hai quasi bruciato i peli del naso.... Come quella volta che ho mangiato delle bacche marce. Quel giorno il mio sedere sparava gas a tutto spiano....

Shrek Perché continui seguirmi?

Ciuchino Adesso te lo spiego: io son tutto solo, i guai han preso il volo, mi sfottono soltanto......ma ci sono gli amici.....

Shrek Smettila di cantare! Non mi meraviglia che non hai nessun amico. Ascolta, piccolo ciuco, guardami bene: che cosa sono?

Ciuchino Ehhhh....un pennellone?

Shrek No! Sono un orco! Questo non ti disturba?

Ciuchino No, bello!

Shrek Davvero?

Ciuchino Davvero davvero. Come ti chiami?

Shrek Ehhhh.... Shrek

Ciuchino Shrek? Sai cosa mi piace di te? Quell'aria di non m'importa di cosa gli altri pensano di me.... Ma guarda la... chi vorrebbe vivere in un posto come quello?

Shrek Quello è il posto in cui vivo!

Ciuchino Oh! Ma è delizioso, una meraviglia. Sai, sei un grande arredatore. Stupefacente, date le tue modeste finanze. Non sei uno molto socievole, vero?

Shrek Mi piace la mia intimità!

Ciuchino Sai, anche a me. Questa è un'altra cosa che abbiamo in comune. Odio quando hai qualcuno tra i piedi. Speri che capisca ma non se ne va e piomba un grande silenzio imbarazzante........ Posso restare con te?

Shrek Cosa?

Ciuchino Posso restare con te, per favore?

Shrek Naturalmente!

Ciuchino Davvero?

Shrek No!

Ciuchino Ti prego. Non voglio tornare li. Non sai cosa vuol dire essere considerati un mostro! Beh, forse lo sai. Ma perciò dobbiamo stare assieme. Tu devi farmi restare. Ti prego, ti prego

Shrek D'accordo, d'accordo, ma per una notte sola.

Ciuchino Grazie, sarà uno spasso, faremo notte fonda, ci scambieremo storielle da uomini e, quando sarà mattina, cucinerò.....ciambelle! Dov'è che dormo?

Shrek La fuori!

Ciuchino Ah.... Credo sia giusto. Io non conosco te, tu non conosci me.... La fuori penso che sia meglio.... Ci vado... buonanotte. Poi mi piace stare all'aperto, sono nato all'aperto

Scena 2

Shrek Ti avevo detto di startene la fuori!

Ciuchino Io sono qua fuori!

Shrek Ma chi c'è qua? Ehi, voi, cosa ci fate in casa mia? Andatevene subito! Coraggio. Forza, aria, andatevene dalla mia palude! Pussa via.....

Ciuchino Non guardare me, non li ho invitati io!

Pinocchio Non ci ha invitati nessuno! Siamo stati costretti a venire. Da Lord Farquad, ha firmato ingiunzione di sfratto...

Shrek E va bene, chi sa dirmi questo Farquad dove si trova?

Ciuchino Oh io! Io lo so dov'è!

Shrek Non è che qualcun altro sa dove trovarlo? Nessuno nessuno?

Ciuchino Io, io.... Ehi, scegli me, io, io

Shrek D'accordo, bene... attenzione voi, cosi delle favole. Non spaparanzatevi! Il vostro soggiorno è scaduto. Andrò a trovare questo Farquad all'istante e vi farò sloggiare dalla mia terra e tornare da dove siete venuti. (Urla di gioia dei personaggi)Tu, tu verrai con me.

Ciuchino E andiamo, questa è musica per le mie orecchie: Shrek e Ciuchino, due impavidi amici in una travolgente avventura in città. Mi piace...... Sulla strada ancora.... Impaziente di stare...... Sulla strada ancora....

Shrek Cosa ti ho detto riguardo al cantare?

Ciuchino Posso fischiare?

Shrek No

Ciuchino Posso canticchiare?

Shrek E sia...... a bocca chiusa!

Lord Farquad Vai vai vai, il più veloce che sai. Son Pan di Zenzero e acchiapparmi non potrai!... Ah, ah, ah... sei un mostro, tu e quella feccia di personaggi che sta avvelenando il mio mondo perfetto! Ora dimmi dove sono gli altri.

Zenzero Inzuppami!

Lord Farquad Ora la mia pazienza ha raggiunto il limite. Dimmelo o....

Zenzero No, i bottoni no. Non i miei bottoni gommosi. Parlerò. Tu conosci l'uomo focaccina...?

Guardia1 Mio signore, l'abbiamo trovato!

Lord Farquad Che cosa aspettate? Allora portatelo qui! ........ Specchio magico....

Zenzero Non dirgli niente!

Lord Farquad Zitto!.... sera... Specchio, specchio delle mie brame, non è forse questo il più perfetto di ogni reame?

Specchio Beh, tecnicamente non sei Re...

Lord Farquad Ah.... Guardia.... Dicevi?

Specchio Quello che intendo è che non sei re, ancora! Ma puoi diventarlo: devi solo sposare una principessa

Lord Farquad Continua

Specchio Allora, siediti e mettiti comodo, mio signore.. perché è il momento, questo, di conoscere le migliori scapolottine. Eccole qua! La scapolottina numero uno è una reclusa mentalmente plagiata di un regno molto molto lontano, le piacciono il sushi e l'idromassaggio a volontà. I suoi hobby, cucinare e rassettare per le sue due sorelle cattive. Signore e signori, Cene-rentola. La scapolottine numero due è una ragazza con la mantellina del paese delle favole. Anche se vive con sette uomini non è una ragazza allegra. Basta baciare le sue labbra morte e congelate per scoprire che si scalda subito. Coraggio, un bell'applauso per Bianca-neve. E infine, ma non meno importante, la scapolottine numero tre. È una rossa focosa che un drago sorveglia in un castello circondato da lava bollente. Ma questo non deve raffreddarti. È una bomba a cui piace la pigna colada e ballare la lambada. A te, per essere salvata, la principessa Fiona! Allora, quale scegli? La numero uno, la numero due o la numero tre? Confusione

Lord Farquad Va bene, la numero tre!

Specchio Lord Farquad, hai scelto la Principessa Fiona....

Lord Farquad Principessa Fiona, è perfetta. Devo solo trovare qualcuno che possa andare....

Specchio Devo solo dirvi di una cosina che accade di notte...

Lord Farquad Silenzio! Faro di questa Principessa Fiona la mia regina e Duloc avrà finalmente il perfetto re. Capitano raduni gli uomini migliori: noi daremo luogo ad un torneo d'armi.

Scena 3

Ciuchino Eccola, eccola li. Quella lì è Duloc. Te l'ho detto che la trovavo.

Shrek Allora, quello dev'essere il castello di Lord Farquad. Così alto, pensi serva a compensare qualcos'altro?............. entriamo........ C'è calma, troppa calma. Dove sono gli abitanti?

Ciuchino Ehi, guarda lì. Per informazioni, tirare Canzoncina

Shrek Non azzardarti a canticchiarla o ti sculaccio!

Lord Farquad Questo campione avrà l'onore.... No,no... avrà il privilegio di partire per salvare la bellissima Principessa Fiona dall'infuocata fortezza del drago. Se, per qualche motivo il vincitore non avrà successo, il secondo arrivato prenderà il suo posto. E così via... alcuni potranno morire, ma è un sacrificio che sono pronto a fare. Che il torneo abbia inizio! ...... cos'è quell'affare? È rivoltante!

Shrek Non siete molto gentile! È solo un ciuchino!

Lord Farquad Cavalieri ascoltate: colui che ucciderà l'orco verrà nominato campione. Prendetelo!

Shrek Non possiamo sistemare tutto con una bevuta? No? Allora si comincia! Battaglia

Lord Farquad Popolo di Duloc, il nostro campione! Congratulazione orco, hai vinto l'onore di imbarcarti in una nobile e grande impresa.

Shrek Impresa? Sto già affrontando un impresa. L'impresa di riavere la mia palude! La palude dove voi avete scaricato le creature delle favole.

Lord Farquad D'accordo orco, facciamo un patto. Affronta quest'impresa per me e riavrai la tua palude esattamente com'era. Fino all'ultimo limaccioso fungo ad ombrello!

Shrek Che tipo d'impresa? Chiude sipario

Ciuchino Dunque fammi capire bene: lotterai contro un drago e salverai una principessa solo per farti ridare da Farquad la tua palude dove non vivi da solo perché lui te l'ha riempita di fenomeni da baraccone. È proprio così?

Shrek Sai una cosa? Forse c'è un buon motivo per cui gli asini non parlano.

Ciuchino Avresti potuto sfoggiare il tuo repertorio, tritare un po' di ossa per farci il pane.....sai, i soliti trucchi da orco...

Shrek Oh, so io cosa. Magari avrei potuto decapitare un intero villaggio, mettere le teste su un palo, prendere un coltello, squartargli le milze e bere i loro fluidi.... Così ti va a genio?

Ciuchino Eh.... No. Non direi.... No

Shrek Per tua informazione, gli orchi hanno dentro molte più cose di quanto tu creda.

Ciuchino Per esempio?

Shrek Per esempio..... gli orchi sono come le cipolle!

Ciuchino Puzzano?

Shrek Si...no!

Ciuchino Ti fanno piangere?

Shrek No

Ciuchino Ah... le lasci al sole, diventano marroni e poi spuntano i peletti bianchi?

Shrek Nooo! Strati, le cipolle hanno gli strati. Gli orchi hanno gli strati, le cipolle hanno gli strati! Capito? Tutti e due abbiamo gli strati.

Ciuchino Sai, non a tutti piacciono le cipolle... Torte! A tutti piacciono le torte! Anche le torte hanno gli strati!

Shrek Non mi interessa che cosa piace a tutti! Gli orchi non sono come le torte.

Ciuchino Sai cos'altro piace a tutti? Le lasagne! Hai mai conosciuto qualcuno a cui dici "Ehi, prendiamo le lasagne" e lui risponde "Non mi piacciono le lasagne"....

Shrek No! Ottusa e irritante bestia da soma in miniatura. Gli orchi sono come le cipolle. Fine della storia. Baci-baci!

Ciuchino Mmmm ... le lasagne sono forse la cosa più deliziosa di questo accidenti di mondo... Ehi, hai un fazzoletto, anche di carta? Sto facendo un macello... basta la parola lasagne per farmi sbavare....

Ciuchino Uhhh, Shrek, sei stato tu? Amico, dovresti avvertire prima di spararne una, avevo la bocca aperta qui dietro.

Shrek Credimi ciuchino, se fossi stato io....saresti morto! Questo è zolfo, dovremmo esserci quasi... eccolo lì. Forza ciuchino, andiamo.

Ciuchino Sai quando dicevi che gli orchi hanno gli strati? Beh, ti faccio una confessione. Gli asini sudano le sette camice dalla paura!

Shrek Su, non mi dire che hai paura di un po' di lava incandescente, un passettino minuscolo alla volta. Continua a muoverti e non guardare giù.

Ciuchino Continua a muoverti e non guardare giù..... Shrek, ho guardato giù! Voglio tornare indietro!

Shrek Ma ormai siamo a metà strada!

Ciuchino Si, ma so che quella metà è sicura!

Shrek E se faccio così, hai paura?

Ciuchino No ti prego Shrek, non fare così... Ohhh!

Shrek Molto bravo, Ciuchino, molto bravo.

Ciuchino Fico! Dov'è questa rottura di scatole con l'alito di fuoco?

Shrek Dentro, attende che noi la salviamo.

Ciuchino Parlavo del drago, Shrek!..... Hai paura? Perché avere paura con un drago in circolazione, che si pappa i cavalieri e arrostisce i loro destrieri.....

Shrek Fa silenzio. Ora va di la e vedi se trovi le scale...

Ciuchino Scale? Non cercavamo la principessa...?

Shrek La principessa sarà in cima alle scale, nella stanza più remota della torre più alta.

Ciuchino Come fai ad esserne sicuro?

Shrek L'ho letto in un libro una volta.

Ciuchino Ci sto. Tu pensa al drago, io penso alle scale. Ahh le trovo quelle scale, gli faccio il sederino rosso. Ehh si, dopo non sapranno più dove portano. ..... Le riduco a chiocciola..... Si sa, la vita è fatta a scale, c'è chi scende e c'è chi sale. Io le ho sempre salite. Vorrei avere un gradino qui ora, ci salirei sopra..... Ahhhhhh, Il dragooooo! ...... Oh che denti lunghi che hai! Volevo dire, che denti abbaglianti! Lo so, te lo diranno tutti quelli che ti mangi, ma... sicuramente te li sbianchi perché non ho mai visto un sorriso così sfavillante e non è che sento una freschezza alla menta? E.... sai un'altra cosa? Sei.... Sei... un drago femmina! Perché tu trasudi bellezza femminile e ... bella vorrei restare ma sono, sono..... Shrek, Shrek ....

Shrek Svegliati, sei tu la principessa Fiona?

Fiona Si, infatti. In attesa di un cavaliere così valoroso che possa salvarmi

Shrek Che cosa carina... ora andiamo!

Fiona Ma, essendo questo il nostro primo incontro, non dovrebbe essere un momento meravigliosamente romantico?

Shrek Si....! Scusa piccola, non c'è tempo. Andiamo a prendere il mio asino.

Fiona Un ciuco? Ma che razza di cavaliere siete voi? E non potreste recitarmi una poesia epica? Una ballata? Posso almeno sapere il nome del mio campione?

Shrek Shrek

Fiona Sir Shrek, vi prego di accettare questo omaggio in segno della mia gratitudine.

Shrek Grazie...

Fiona Ma non avete ucciso il drago?

Shrek E' sulla mia lista delle cose da fare

Fiona Ma non è la procedura! Dovete affrontarlo, spada sguainata, vessillo al vento. Così hanno fatto gli altri cavalieri.

Shrek Si, prima di essere inceneriti

Ciuchino Penso bisognerà conoscersi bene prima.... Sai, io sono all'antica...... Siii, non voglio tuffarmi in....un rapporto fisico! Non sono pronto per un impegno di tale rilevanza. Prima dobbiamo cercare di conoscerci, magari come amici....

Shrek Scappa Ciuchino, a lui ci penso io...

Ciuchino Salve principessa

Fiona Ma lui parla!

Shrek Si. Il difficile è farlo stare zitto!

Scena 4

Fiona Ce l'avete fatta, mi avete salvata! Siete straordinario, siete meraviglioso , siete.......un tantino poco ortodosso, lo ammetto. Ma.... Il vostro gesto è grande, vi sarò eternamente riconoscente...... e dove andrebbe un audace cavaliere senza il suo nobile destriero. Potete togliervi l'elmo mio nobile cavaliere?

Shrek Ehmm.. no...

Fiona Perché no? E poi, come farete a baciarmi?

Shrek Cosa? Non c'era nel programma di lavoro!

Ciuchino Forse una gratifica?

Fiona No, è il destino! Vi avranno detto come va la storia: una principessa, chiusa in una torre e assalita da un drago, viene salvata da un audace cavaliere. E poi si scambiano il primo bacio di vero amore...

Shrek Con Shrek? Ferma ferma, per te Shrek è il vero amore?

Fiona Ecco... Si!

Shrek e Ciuchino ridono

Fiona Toglietevi quell'elmo! Subito!

Shrek Va bene, va bene. Calma, ai tuoi ordini, altezza.

Fiona Sei,.... Sei... un orco...

Shrek Ohhhh, ti aspettavi il principe azzurro, vero? Principessa, sono stato mandato a salvarti da Lord Farquad, chiaro? È lui quello che vuole sposarti!

Lord Farquad E perché non è venuto lui a salvarmi?

Shrek Ottima domanda, dovresti chiederglielo quando arriviamo lì.

Fiona Ma io dovevo essere salvata dal mio vero amore. Non da un orco e dal suo animaletto!

Ciuchino E tanti cari saluti al nobile destriero...

Shrek Senti, principessa, mi stai complicando il lavoro...

Fiona Puoi dire a Lord Farquad che se egli vuole salvarmi come si deve, attenderò il suo arrivo. Seduta qui!

Shrek Ehi, io non porto i messaggi a nessuno. Io faccio le consegne e basta!

Fiona Non oseresti....! Mettimi giù, o ne pagherai le conseguenze! Non è dignitoso, mettimi giù!

Ciuchino Allora, ecco un'altra domanda: tu sconfinferi ad una femmina ma lei non ti piace in quel"modo". Come la smonti con gentilezza senza ferire i suoi sentimenti e senza finire croccante e pappato?

Fiona Basta che tu le dica che non è il tuo vero amore. Tutti lo sanno quello che accade quando uno incontra il vero amore... e il mio futuro sposo, Lord Farquad, come è fatto?

Shrek Beh, mettiamola così, principessa, di uomini della .... statura di Farquad si è....a corto, ormai!

Ciuchino Non lo so Shrek, c'è chi ha di lui una...bassa opinione!

Fiona Smettetela tutti e due! Siete soltanto invidiosi. Non potrete mai misurarvi con un grande condottiero come Lord Farquad.

Shrek Già, forse hai ragione. Ma prenderai tu le...misure quando lo vedrai, domani.

Fiona Domani? Voglio trovare un luogo per accamparci adesso!

Shrek E va bene, va bene. Possiamo fermarci qui.

Fiona Buonanotte a tutti.

Ciuchino Io non le capisco le femmine. Buona notte Shrek.

Lord Farquad Di nuovo, mostramela di nuovo specchio. Mostrami la principessa....perfetta...

Musica – Entra in scena Fiona che canta con uccellino che poi esplode. Esce di scena. Risveglio.

Ciuchino Si, lo sai che mi piace così... Ah piccola, si...fammi le coccole...

Shrek Ciuchino, svegliati, svegliati

Fiona Siamo partiti con il piede sbagliato, ieri. In fondo mi avete salvata.

Shrek Grazie. È meglio che ci incamminiamo... Rutto

Ciuchino Shrek! Non è il modo davanti a una principessa!

Fiona Rutto Grazie.

Shrek Lo sai? Non sei esattamente come pensavo.

Fiona Beh, forse non dovresti giudicare le persone prima di conoscerle...

Fiona Fermo, fermo! Cosa state facendo?

Robin Calmatevi, mon cherì. Sono il vostro salvatore e vi sto salvando da questa orribile.....BESTIA!

Shrek Ehi! Quella è la mia principessa. Trovatene un'altra.

Robin Ma per favore, mostro! Non vedi che sono un tantino occupato qui?

Fiona Senti bello, non so chi ti credi di essere...

Robin Ma certo, che scortese. Oh la la la .... Permettete di presentarmi. AMICI MIEI.... Ha ha ha

Cantato

Robin Io rubo ai ricchi per dare a chi non né ha.

Coro Con un piccolo guadagno, ma chi non lo fa?

Robin Io salvo damigelle belle. Vero raga?

Coro Vero, Monsieur Rou!

Robin Balliamo?! Donne e duelli e sono appagato.

Coro Ma non disdegno essere pagato. E poi...

Robin Se una donna ha paura qua dentro la radura

Coro E' male, è male, è male

Robin Se la piglia la bestia io divento un criminale.

Coro E' proprio un criminale, il suo cuore con la spada vuol trapassare.

Robin Tutti attenti a me che sto per cominciare.

Inizia la lotta

Fiona Andiamo

Shrek Orco mondo!

Shrek Eccola lì, principessa. Il tuo futuro ti aspetta.

Fiona Quella è Duloc?

Ciuchino Si, lo so. Shrek crede che per Lord Farquad sia una compensazione. Ossia credo io che.... Ahi!

Shrek Credo sia meglio che ci muoviamo.

Fiona Ma.... Shrek, sono preoccupata per Ciuchino. Insomma, guardalo, non ha un bell'aspetto.

Ciuchino Ma io mi sento bene! Sto una meraviglia!

Fiona Si, si, è quello che uno dice sempre. E poi....a un tratto....è sulla schiena! Morto!

Shrek Sai che ha ragione? Hai una faccia spaventosa! Ti vuoi sedere? Ti preparo un te?

Ciuchino Beh, insomma, non volevo dire niente.... Ho una fitta al collo e quando giro la testa, così, guardate, visto?...

Shrek Chi ha fame? Rimedio la cena...

Fiona Prendo la legna per il fuoco...

Ciuchino Ehi, dove andate? Oh accidenti, non mi sento più le dita. Ma io le dita non ce le ho! Ho bisogno di coccole...

Fiona Buono, ma che cos'è?

Shrek Topo di erbacce. Fatto a girarrosto

Fiona Non mi dire! Beh, è delizioso.

Shrek Sono ottimi anche nello stufato. Ora, non per vantarmi, ma mi viene benissimo, come lo faccio io..

Fiona Penso che mangerò diversamente domani sera....

Shrek Puoi venire a trovarmi, qualche volta, nella palude. Cucinerò per te: zuppa di rospo di palude, occhio di pesce alla tartara.... A tuo piacere.

Fiona Ci terrei tanto...

Ciuchino Però, non è romantico? Guardate la che tramonto!

Fiona Tramonto? È tardi. Devo andare a dormire! Buonanotte.

Ciuchino Beh, anche io avevo paura dl buio.... Ehi, io ho ancora paura del buio! Però ho capito sai? Tutte scuse, quelle di fermarsi. Tu e la principessa, eh....?

Shrek Anche se fosse? Io sono un orco e lei una principessa!

Ciuchino Ehi, dove vai adesso?

Shrek A prendere dell'altra legna.

Ciuchino Parlerò io, alla principessa!

Scena 5

Ciuchino Principessa.... Dove sei?.... è spettrale, qui. Non gioco ai quattro cantoni, bada... Ahhhh Aiuto..... Shrek, Shrek...

Fiona Shhhh sono io in questo corpo, non avere paura...

Ciuchino Oh mio Dio, ti sei pappata la principessa. Mi senti principessa? Ascolta, continua a respirare! Ti tirerò fuori da lì. Shrek, Shrek

Fiona Sono io la principessa....

Ciuchino Principessa?... Cosa ti è successo? Sei....diversa!

Fiona Sono....brutta?

Ciuchino Sarà stato qualcosa che hai mangiato... l'avevo detto a Shrek che i topi non andavano bene. Sei quello che mangi, lo dico sempre...

Fiona No, sono sempre stata così da quando riesco a ricordarmi.

Ciuchino Che vuoi dire? Senti, non ti ho mai vista così, le altre volte!

Fiona Perchè mi succede solamente quando cala il sole. Di notte in un modo, di giorno in un altro. Questa sarà la norma, finche non riceverai il primo bacio d'amore. Allora avrai dell'amore la forma. È un incantesimo. Quando ero piccolina una strega mi fatto un incantesimo. Tutte le notti mi trasformo così, in questa orribile bestia.

Ciuchino Ma tu sei così solo di notte! Shrek è orrendo 24 ore al giorno!

Fiona Se io domani sposerò Lord Farquad l'incantesimo sarà spezzato!

Ciuchino Beh, sai, tu sei una specie di orchessa. E Shrek ... avete moltissime cose in comune...

Fiona ...insomma, dai, chi amerebbe una bestia così orrenda e rivoltante? Principessa e rivoltante non vanno d'accordo. Per questo non posso stare qui con Shrek. È il solo modo per rompere l'incantesimo. Prometti che non dirai a nessuno il mio segreto?

Ciuchino Va bene, prometto. Ma tu dovresti dirlo a Shrek! Me ne vado. So solo che alla fine della storia mi toccherà andare in analisi. Guarda, ho già il tic all'occhio!

Fiona Shrek, ho una cosa da dirti. Ma va tutto bene?

Shrek A meraviglia! Mai stato meglio di così.

Fiona Ho una cosa da dirti...

Shrek Non devi dirmi niente di niente, principessa. Ho sentito abbastanza ieri sera. È ho capito abbastanza: come hai detto tu chi potrebbe amare una orrenda e rivoltante bestia!

Fiona Credevo che per te non contasse...

Shrek Si invece...... Ah ecco, giusto in tempo!

Ciuchino Mi sono perso qualcosa?

Lord Farquad Principessa Fiona... bene, orco, ecco l'atto di proprietà della tua palude. Sgombrata, come da accordo. Prendilo e sparisci. Mia splendida creatura, chiedo la vostra mano... sarete la sposa perfetta per lo sposo perfetto?

Fiona Lord Farquad, io accetto. Ma sposiamoci oggi, prima che cali il sole.

Lord Farquad Eccellente, farò iniziare subito i preparativi. Prima è meglio è. Andiamo, c'è tanto da fare. Il rinfresco, la torta, la banda, la lista degli ospiti....

Fiona Addio Shrek!

Ciuchino Ma cosa fai, Shrek? La lasci andare via? Ho parlato con lei ieri sera...

Shrek Lo so! Vi ho sentiti! E visto che siete tanto amici perché non segui lei? Te l'avevo detto, vero? Tu a casa non ci torni. Io vivo da solo. La mia palude, io, nessun altro! Hai capito? Nessuno! Soprattutto inutili, patetici, fastidiosi muli parlanti!........ Cosa vuoi ancora?

Ciuchino Non ho ancora finito con te!

Shrek Ma io ho finito con te!

Ciuchino Lo sai? Con te è sempre io io io! Beh indovina un po', adesso tocca a me! Perciò sta zitto e fa attenzione. Tu sei fetido con me, mi insulti sempre e non apprezzi niente di quello che faccio...

Shrek Se ritratto così male perché sei tornato?

Ciuchino Perché gli amici fanno così, si perdonano l'un l'altro!

Shrek Hai ragione ciuchino. Io ti perdono.....di avermi pugnalato alle spalle!

Ciuchino Sei talmente ricoperto di strati, cipollino, di avere paura dei tuoi sentimenti.

Shrek Vattene!

Ciuchino Ecco che lo rifai. Proprio come con Fiona. E a lei tu piacevi. Magari ti amava!

Shrek Mi amava? Ha detto che sono orrendo! Una creatura rivoltante. Vi ho sentiti mentre parlavate!

Ciuchino Non si stava riferendo a te. Si riferiva a .....Qualcun altro...

Shrek Non si stava riferendo a me? Beh allora di chi stava parlando?

Ciuchino Niente da fare, io non fiato

Shrek Ciuchino ..... mi dispiace. Credo di essere solo un grosso stupido orrendo orco, vuoi perdonarmi?

Ciuchino Gli amici servono a questo vero?

Shrek Vero. Allora amici. Ma.... Cosa ha detto Fiona di me?

Ciuchino Perché lo chiedi a me? Chiedilo a lei!

Shrek Ohhh! Le nozze! Presto....

Ciuchino Non ti preoccupare, ho portato i rinforzi... deve essere il mio magnetismo animale...

Shrek Oh.... Ciuchino, vieni qui

Ciuchino Va bene, va bene, non fare lo smielato. Non mi piacciono i leccameli. Andiamo.

Vescovo Popolo di Duloc, siamo qui riuniti oggi per essere testimoni dell'unione del nostro nuovo re..

Fiona Non si può passare direttamente al Si?

Ciuchino Allora, vuoi farla bene questa cosa? c'è una frase che devi aspettare. Quando il prete dirà parlate ora o tacete per sempre tu dirai Io mi oppongo!

Shrek Non ho tempo per queste cose!

Ciuchino La ami questa donna, vero? La vuoi abbracciare? Compiacere? E allora dacci, dacci dentro con la tenerezza... alle donne piace questa brodaglia.

Shrek E va bene, ma piantala. Adesso controlla a che punto sono..

Ciuchino C'è tutto il paese! Sono sull'altare. Cassiopea, l'ha già detta!

Shrek Ohhh santo piripillo!.... Io mi oppongo!

Fiona Shrek?! Cosa ci fai qui?

Lord Farquad Già, cosa ci fai qui?

Shrek Devo parlarti!

Fiona Non ti pare un pochino troppo tardi?

Shrek Non devi sposare lui. Ti vuole solo perchè vuole diventare re. Lui non è il tuo vero amore.

Fiona E tu cosa ne sai del vero amore?

Shrek Beh, io...... insomma.....

Lord Farquad Questa è esilarante! L'orco si è innamorato della principessa... un solo bacio e vivremo sempre felici e contenti.

Fiona Shrek, è vero? Di notte in un modo, di giorno in un altro... volevo mostrartelo prima....

Shrek Beh, questo spiega tante cose.

Lord Farquad Guardie, prendeteli. Il matrimonio è valido, e questo fa di me un re! E riguardo a te, moglie mia, ti farò rinchiudere di nuovo in quella torre, per il resto dei tuoi giorni!

Ciuchino Serve una mano? Eccomi qua! Ho un drago qui, e non ho paura di usarlo. Sono un ciuco sull'orlo di una crisi di nervi.

Shrek Fiona, io ti amo.

Fiona Davvero?

Shrek Davvero davvero.

Fiona Ti amo anch'io.

Shrek Fiona, Fiona, stai bene?

Fiona Ecco... si...Ma non capisco, dovrei essere bellissima...

Shrek Ma tu sei bellissima!

Ciuchino Lo aspettavo da tanto questo lieto fine!

The entire script of, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

from chrisabidrea on 03/13/2020 07:41 AM

WOOOO!! THIS REALLY HELPS ESTABLISH MY CHARACTER AS A SELF-SERIOUS SCIENCE GEEK!

 

Damnit, Josh! You're lucky they're not pressing charges after you - what did he do, officer?

He broke into a satellite research facility.

Wait, seriously? You scrambled all cars for a high-speed pursuit of some teenager who snuck into a lab at night?

We get so fucking bored around here, I swear to God.

I needed the satellite to hear this encoded radio message from my grandfather.

Encoded? Give me a look, I used to be a professional code breaker.

Shut up. Now, let's see... Thirty seconds and two hundred insane intuitive leaps later:

All right, so it's telling us the location of The Mysterious Island is hidden in the book, as well as the books Treasure Island and Gulliver's Travels.

Which makes sense because they all had an island in them!

There were like seven islands in Gulliver's-

Yes, the one with the tiny people, and none others, everybody knows that.

Okay, each book contains a map. And if you sort of smush them all together, and squint real hard, they look a bit like one single island.

Or a starfish.

According the these coordinates, it's off the coast of Palau. Hey, can I ditch school to go on some crazy spur-of-the-moment trip to Palau on your dime?

Sure thing buddy, but obviously not unaccompanied.

WHAT?! YOU SUCK! I HATE YOU!

Wow. You're quite the ungrateful little shit, aren't you?

Hi there, I'm Luis. I'm a cowardly, stupid lickspittle with no dignity who never shuts up.

Again?

It's a bitch of a typecasting job, I know. Later in this movie my character gets literally shat on. SHAT. ON.

Can you take us to this place here? The blood-red area of the map, with the skull-and-crossbones motif?

Take our scrapheap of a helicopter into the Zone of Death? We like our limbs where they are, thanks.

Well, would you do it for...A MODERATE AMOUNT OF MONEY?!

Woot, our corpses are going to be ever-so-slightly rich! Hop aboard! They fly off to the coordinates, where the helicopter is TORN APART by a GIANT TYPHOON. They plummet towards the ocean in the flaming wreckage.

CRAAAAAAP! HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO SURVIVE THIS?!

ONLY THE EDITOR CAN SAVE US NOW!

Phew, that was close. Are we there yet?

Yeah, check it out! Giant butterflies! Tiny elephants! This all follows the natural law of the island which states that all creatures are whatever the hell size they need to be for the purposes of the story. Jonathan Swift described it in Gulliver's Travels!

Nope. Not even close.

Okay, that's about as much time as we can spend establishing a sense of wonder. Quick, an action scene, before the audience's ADHD kicks in! They're chased by a GIANT LIZARD MONSTER! Eventually it has them cornered.

Oh no! We're trapped!

There's nothing we can do! It's going to kill us now!

Yes, it's going to just reach out and bite our heads off!

We're dead!

Any moment now! Finally the lizard is taken out by SEVERAL LOG TRAPS.

Hey there, it's me! Good thing the lizard stopped exactly where all those log traps converge, huh?

I'm just impressed that a septugenarian was able to haul those massive trunks up to the treeline single-handedly.

Ah, Dwayne. Reduced to taking Brendan Fraser's rejects, I see. What is it with you and doing sequels to movies you weren't in? Practicing for the inevitable direct-to-DVD phase of your career?

Dude, what the hell? This is literally the first time you've ever laid eyes on me, why are you being so hostile?

I guess the screenwriters figured that being a smarmy family-neglecting prat didn't make my character unlikeable enough. You roided-up meathead. Anyhoo, guess what I figured out about this island: it's actually the Lost City of Atlantis!

Oh, fuck it, why not. It's whatever island we want it to be. It's all the islands. Let's all go hang out with Gilligan and Hurley by the T-Rex enclosure.

I know Atlantis is supposed to have sank, but see, it's actually on a 140-year cycle of rising and sinking!

...And the wildlife, what, starts from scratch each time? Is amphibious?

Yes, it's amphibious. Stick through the credits, that's the actual explanation. Anyway, we've got about a month until the island submerges again, by my calculations. The island SINKS SEVERAL FEET.

Although there is a margin of error.

Michael, you idiot! I've got geology powers now, and this island is going to be underwater in a day or two!

Okay, fine, we'll run for our lives. (pause) You constantly-mugging human cartoon.

Hey, would you stop ragging on Dwayne? He's clearly the most intelligent and competent person in the movie.

CHECK OUT MY DANCING PECS! HEY, HEY, BOUNCE SOME CRAPPY CGI BERRIES OFF OF MY DANCING PECS! YEAH!

Uh. Never mind.

We'd better head to the convenient submarine on the other side of the island.

Oh, a submarine, good. I was afraid it was going to be something that required special skills and training to operate. They hike for a while. Eventually they spot off in the distance a VOLCANO THAT PUKES GOLD.

Hey, check it out! That must be the "treasure" Robert Louis Stevenson was talking about.

Oh, FUCK YOU. Has anybody involved with this movie ever even read a book?

I've got a great idea: let's stop fleeing for our lives so we can go to an active volcano on a geologically unstable island!

I've got a better idea: how about we NOT do the single dumbest thing possible?

Screw you, Dwayne! That volcano is probably the scientific discovery of the century!

...Really? That? I would've picked the submersible island full of dinosaur lizards in the middle of a perpetual storm, myself. But no, you're right, it's that unusual mineral deposit. Man, geology geeks are weird... They keep going until they reach the bottom of SEVERAL HUNDRED FEET OF SHEER CLIFF FACE.

By the by, when I suggested this route I was just assuming we'd think of a way past this completely unclimbable obstacle when we got here. Any thoughts?

Uh. Geez, I don't know. I'd suggest we ride some giant bees or something, but catching and subduing one, let alone mounting it-

Oh look, I'm on one now. I did it offscreen. And I can steer it by, uh, it going where I want it to.

Seriously, how do screenwriters this lazy even manage to feed themselves? They fly for a while, having a BORING CHASE SEQUENCE during which they HORRIBLY INJURE SOME BIRDS. Then they make camp, Dwayne sings for a bit - wait, what?

Yes. That happens. Jesus. Anyway, when they get up next morning, Luis is gone!

Oh no, he must have gone back to the gold volcano!

Don't worry, we'll just go there and get him.

But it took us half a day's journey to get here from there. And we were flying for a lot of that. And there are still those impassable cliffs in the way. How are we going to get back there in the next couple of hours?

We'll just travel by SHUT THE FUCK UP. Dwayne, Josh, you go get the submarine and meet up with us at the vague place. You know, the one that none of us have ever been to. I won't even point it out on the map.

We shall navigate our submarine there unfailingly, because that's a thing we can do. First, let me take a photo of the island map so we both have a copy.

How is it that the only photo we've taken on this cockamamie trip is of a piece of paper we brought with us? While Michael and Vanessa use their OFFSCREEN TELEPORTATION SKILLS, Dwayne and Josh go and find that the submarine is UNREACHABLY SUBMERGED.

Oh no, we're screwed!

Hey, haven't you figured this movie out yet? We will always have the exact skills and resources we need. Now, let's get these plastic bags, rolls of duct tape and lengths of plastic hosing out of our backpacks and jury-rig us some scuba equipment! They DO THAT, then jumpstart the submarine using an ELECTRIC EEL, completing the film's transformation into a Looney Tunes cartoon.

Seriously, Dad? If you wanted something valuable, why not grab one of the amphibious pygmy elephants? You moron. They run for the ocean as the island starts SHAKING ITSELF COMPLETELY TO PIECES, making the idea that all the wildlife and ancient buildings have survived this dozens of times PATENTLY ABSURD. After hitting the water, they are saved by the submarine with its PERSON-SWALLOWING ACTION.

Quick, Luis, take the controls! It's just like flying a helicopter. It may be a completely different size and shape, moving through a completely different medium via a completely different mode of propulsion, but you use a stick thingy to steer, so you know, identical.

Hooray! I get to do something other than fuck up! They submarine to safety through the INEXPLICABLY NON-TURBULENT WATER.

Six months later, DWAYNE AND JOSH are BEST BUDS and MICHAEL is a FAMILY MAN and VANESSA is in COLLEGE and LUIS is RICH and BRENDAN is STILL NOT IN THE MOVIE and EVERYTHING IS MEGA AWESOME FOREVER.

The Super Happy Ending, good choice. Say, did we ever wind up telling anyone about the amazing underwater island that we totally know how to get to?

Maybe? I don't know, it doesn't come up.

Oh well, that's neither here nor there. I really want to talk about our NEXT adventure, which is-

Jesus, another one? Look, the first movie had subterranean dinosaurs, and somehow this one was even dumber. Please don't-

Our family is going to build us a rocket and fly to the moon! Everyone's WILLING SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF finally SNAPS FROM THE STRAIN.

Ow! Wait a minute, how come I could breathe in space in Zathura?

Megamind script

from chrisabidrea on 03/13/2020 07:40 AM

Here's my day so far: went to jail, lost the girl of my dreams, and got my butt kicked pretty good. Still, things could be a lot worse. Oh, that's right. I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't. How'd it all come to this, you ask? My end starts at the beginning. The very beginning. Yes, that's me. I had a fairly standard childhood. I came from, what you might call, a broken home. Literally broken. I was eight days old and still living with my parents. How sad is that? Clearly it was time to move on. Here is your minion. He will take care of you. And here is your binky. You are destined for... I didn't quite hear that last part, but it sounded important.

 

...two, one.

Destined for what? I set out to find my destiny. Turns out a kid from the Glaupunkt quadrant had the exact same idea. That was the day I met Mr. Goody Two-Shoes... ...and our glorious rivalry was born. Could this be what I was destined for? A dream life filled with luxury. Apparently not. Even fate picks its favorites. No big deal. A much different fate awaited me. A baby! How thoughtful. Oh, yes. Yes, I saw it and thought of you. Luckily I found a lovely little place to call home. Can we keep it? A place that taught me the differences between right... ...and wrong. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, on the other hand, had life handed to him on a silver platter. Our baby can fly. Yes, yes, nothing but the best for you, darling. The power of flight, invulnerability, and great hair. But I had something far, far greater. My amazing intellect... ...and knack for building objects of mayhem. After a few years, and with some time off for good behavior, I was given an opportunity to better myself through learning... ...at a strange place called shool. It was there that I once again ran into Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. He had already amassed a gigantic army of soft-headed groupies. He bought their affections with showmanship and extravagant gifts of deliciousness. So I, too, will make this popp-ed corn and win over those mindless drones. Lights out. That's when I learned a very hard lesson: Good receives all the praise and adulation, while evil is sent to quiet-time in the corner. So fitting in wasn't really an option. While they were learning the Itsy Bitsy Spider... ...I learned how to dehydrate animate objects and rehydrate them at will. Some days, it felt like it was just me and Minion against the world. No matter how hard I tried, I was always the odd man out, the last one picked, the screw-up, the black sheep... Get him!

...the bad boy.

Freak! Weirdo! Was this my destiny? Wait, maybe it was. Being bad is the one thing I'm good at. Then it hit me: If I was the bad boy, then I was going to be the baddest boy of them all. I was destined to be a super-villain, and we were destined to be rivals. The die had been cast, and so began an enduring, epic, lifelong career. And I loved it. Our battles quickly got more elaborate. He would win some. I would almost win others. He took the name Metro Man, defender of Metrocity. I decided to pick something a little more humble: Megamind... ...incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy. Read on your own time. Open up.

Hey!

Boo! Oh, good morning, Warden. Great news: I'm a changed man, and... ...and I'm ready to re-enter society as a solid citizen. You're a villain, and you'll always be a villain. You'll never change, and you'll never Ieave. You're fun. You got a present in the mail. Is it a puppy? From Metro Man. "To count every second of your 85 Iife sentences." That's funny. Never thought Metro Man was the gloating type. Oh, but he does have nice taste. I think I'll keep it. Any chance you could give me the time? I don't want to be Iate for the opening of the Metro Man Museum. Oh no. Looks Iike you're gonna miss it, by several thousand years. Oh, am I? Happy Metro Man Day, Metro City. It's a beautiful day in beautiful downtown, where we're here to honor a beautiful man, Metro Man. His heart is an ocean that's inside a bigger ocean. For years he's been watching us with his super-vision, saving us with his super-strength and caring for us with his super-heart. Now it's our turn to give something back. This is Roxanne Ritchi, reporting Iive from the dedication of the Metro Man Museum. Wow. OK, the stuff they make you read on-air, that's un-freaking-believable. It's crazy. I wrote that piece myself, Hal. What I was trying to say was, I can't believe that in our modern society, they Iet, Iike, actual art get onto the news.

Nice save, Hal.

What are we... Like, Iet's just get a coffee or something. Come on, it's time to get in the Metro Man Day spirit. Well, if I were Metro Man, Megamind wouldn't be kidnapping you all the time.

That's the first thing.

That's sweet, Hal. And I'd be watching you, Iike a dingo watches a human baby. OK, that sounded...

OK, that sounded a Iittle weird.

A Iittle bit. Yeah. And you're making a weird face, and that's making me feel weird. The point is, I would watch you Iike someone... Not Iove. We're not in Iove. I'm not saying I Iove you. Hey, I Iove you. Whatever. But I'm not saying Iike I'm in Iove with you. I'm saying... Roxanne? Roxaroo?

Whoa... What?

Hey... Get back to work. The city doesn't pay you to Ioaf.

Freeze!

Whoa. What are you doing, guys? It's me! It's the warden. Hey! Open up! No, you fools. He's tricked us. You were right. I'll always be a villain. Well, hello good-Iooking. Need a Iift? Certainly do, you fantastic fish, you.

Get in the car, you.

I'm free! Right? Nice work sending me the watch, Minion.

You got it, boss.

Punch it! AII right, put your hands in the air. Ladies and gentlemen, your Metro Man!

Who's your man?

Metro Man! Yeah, Metro City! Gimme some. Come on. Give it now. Give it to me. Right on. Gimme the good stuff. AII right. Hey, Metro City. Hey. Hey. You know, you know, I just want to bring it down a bit. Boys, a Iittle Iower. Thank you, fellas. Let's get real for a moment. That's right. That's right. That's right. Although getting a whole museum is super-cool, is super-cool, you want to know what the greatest honor you've given me is? Do you really want to know? Really? I'll tell you. The greatest honor you've given me is Ietting me serve you, the helpless people of Metro City. And at the end of every day, well, I often ask myself... ...who would I be without you?

I Iove you, Metro Man!

And I Iove you, random citizen. I tell you, Minion. There's no place Iike evil Iair. I've kept it cold and damp just for you, sir. How do I Iook, Minion? Do I Iook bad? Disgustingly horrifying, sir. You always know what to say. Oh, the brain-bots certainly missed you, sir. Did you miss your daddy? Who's a menacing Iittle cyborg? You are. Yes, you are. No biting. No, no, no, no, no, no. You want the wrench? Go get the wrench.

Oh, Iook at that.

Now, back to Iaughing. She's awake. Quick, to work. Miss Ritchi, we meet again. Would it kill you to wash the bag? You can scream all you wish, Miss Ritchi. I'm afraid no one can hear you. Wh... Why isn't she screaming? Miss Ritchi, if you don't mind? Like this... But that's, that's a poor Iady scream. He's a Iittle better. Is there some kind of nerdy super-villain Web site where you get Tesla coils and blinky dials? Actually, most of it comes from an outlet store in... Don't answer that.

Romania.

Don't! Stop! She's using her nosy reporter skills on your weak-willed mind to find out all our secrets. Such tricks won't work on me...

Please talk slower.

...temptress. What secrets? You're so predictable. Predictable? Predictable? Oh, you call this predictable? Your alligators. Yes. Yeah, I was thinking about it on the way over. What's this? Boom! In your face.

Clich.

No! Look, watch.

Juvenile.

Shock and awe.

Tacky.

Oh, it's so scary!

Seen it.

What's this one do? Garish.

OK, the spider's new.

Spider? Yes. The... The spee-ider. Even the smallest bite from Arachnis deathicus will instantly paralyze... Get it off! It bit me! Give it up, Megamind. Your plans never work. Let's stop wasting time and call your boyfriend in tights, shall we? It is with great pleasure that I present to Metro Man his new museum. If you please.

Metro Man!

Hey! My kid can't see.

Megamind!

Oh, bravo, Metro Man. Boo! Yes, I can play along too. Boo! Should've known you'd try to crash the party. Oh, I intend to do more than crash it. This is a day you and Metrocity shall not soon forget. It's pronounced Metro City! Potato-tomato, potato-tomato. We all know how this ends: with you behind bars. I'm shaking in my custom baby seal leather boots. You will leave Metrocity, or this will be the last you ever hear of Roxanne Ritchi. Roxanne! Don't panic, Roxie.

I'm on my way.

Yeah, I'm not panicking. In order to stop me, you need to find me first, Metro Man. We're at the abandoned observatory. No, we're not! Don't listen to her. She's crazy. Metro Man approaching, sir. Hold on a second. Oh, good heavens! You didn't think you were in the real observatory, did you? Ready the death ray, Minion. Death ray, readying. Over here, old friend. In case you haven't noticed, you've fallen right into my trap. You can't trap justice. It's an idea, a belief. Even the most heartfelt belief can be corroded over time. Justice is a non-corrosive metal. But metals can be melted by the heat of revange. It's "revenge," and it's best served cold. But it can be easily reheated in the microwave of evil. Well, I think your warranty is about to expire. Maybe I got an extended warranty. Warranties are invalid if you don't use the product for its intended purpose. Oh, girls, girls, you're both pretty. Can I go home now? Of course. That is, if Metro Man can withstand the full, concentrated power of the sun! Fire! Minion. Fire?

It's still warming up, sir.

Come again?

Warming up, sir.

Warming up? The sun is warming up? One second more and... ...just tippy-tappy tippy-tap-tap, tip-top more,

and we are ready in just...

Honestly! On my way, Roxie. I told you to have things ready. I told you countless times. Why do you always blame me? My spider bite is acting up. Your plan is failing. Just admit it. Yeah, good Iuck with that one. Whose side are you on?

The Iosing side.

Thank you. Could someone stamp my Frequent Kidnapping Card? You of all people know we discontinued that promotion.

Ciao-ciao, all!

Same time next week? Dag! Crab nuggets!

What did he just say?

"Crab nuggets"? Fackled fish cracker! Ten seconds to full power.

Good Iord, I'm trapped.

Ten...

What kind of trickery is this?

...nine...

You mad genius.

...eight...

Your dark gift has finally paid off.

...seven...

It... It has?

...six... This dome is obviously Iined with copper.

Yeah? So?

Sir...

Copper drains my powers.

...two...

Your weakness is copper?

...one.

You're kidding, right?

Full power. I don't think even he could survive that. Well, Iet's not get our hopes up just yet.

Look!

Metro Man! Metro Man. Metro Man!

You... You did it, sir.

I did it? He did it.

I did it?

He did it.

You did it, sir.

I did it!

You did it!

I did it! Metrocity is mine!

You did it, sir!

I did it! Yeah, me, me!

Yes, I did it!

Us! We both did it!

Not us! I!

You, a Iittle more

than me but still, come on!

A Iot more than you. When they're giving out the awards,

I'm gonna be right there next to you.

What awards? What awards, for what? Hit it! Drop 'em! First off, what a turnout. How wild is this? AII I did was eliminate the most powerful man in the universe. Are there any questions? Go on. Yes! You in the back. I'm sure we'd all Iike to know what you plan to do with us and this city. Good, I'm glad you asked that. Imagine the most horrible, terrifying, evil thing you can possibly think of, and multiply it... by six! In the meantime, I want you to carry on with the dreary, normal things you normal people do. Let's just have fun with this. Come on. And I will get back to you. Now slam the door really hard. They... They can still see you.

Now?

Your elbow's still in. Good. There he is, Mr. Evil Overlord Oh, Minion, did you think this day would ever come? No way. Not at all, sir. Never. Never in a million... I mean...

Yes, I did.

Look at the intricate mouldings. I'm Iooking. I'm Iooking. And what's this? It's Iike one of the giant monitors in the Iair. But it seems to only carry one station. Oh, that, sir, is called a window.

Window?

AII the kids are Iooking through them. I've never had a view before. Metrocity, Minion, it's all mine. If my parents could see me now. Sir, I'm sure they're smiling down from evil heaven. And now that Mr. Goody Two-Shoes is out of the way, I can have everything I want, and there's no one to stop me! I know. I know. Always thirsty, never satisfied. I understand you, Iittle well-dressed bird. Purposeless, emptiness. It's a vacuum, isn't it? It's... What's your vacuum Iike? Hey, hey, hey, hey! Not now, Minion. I'm in a heated, existential discussion with this dead-eyed, plastic desk toy. Is... Is something wrong, sir? Just think about it. We have it all. Yet, we have nothing. It's just too easy now. I'm sorry, you've Iost me, sir. I mean, we did it, right? Well, you did it, sir. Yes, you've made that perfectly clear. Then why do I feel so... mel-on-choly. "Mel-on-choly"?

Unhappy.

Well... What if tomorrow, we could go kidnap Roxanne Ritchi. That always seems to Iift your spirits. Good idea, Minion. But without him, what's the point?

"Him," sir?

Nothing. OK, all right. We'll just... that's something to consider... ...and... Well, I think I'll just power down for a while then. He was always there for us. Dependable. Perhaps we took him for granted. You know, maybe, we never really know how good we have it until it's gone. We miss you, Metro Man. I miss you. And I have just one question for Megamind: Are you happy now? This is Roxanne Ritchi, reporting from a city without a hero. Coming up next, are you ready to be a slave army? What you need to know. And... wrap that up and give it to a child on Christmas,

'cause we're done.

OK. See you tomorrow, Hal. Wait. Roxie, I'm having a party at my house. It's gonna be, Iike, off the hook, or whatever. You should come over. I got a deejay, rented a bouncy house, made a gallon of dip. It's gonna be sick. Oh. I... I don't know, Hal. I don't really feel Iike being around a bunch of people. No, no, no, that's the best part. It'll just be Iike you and me. Wow. That... that's certainly very tempting, but... I did hire a wedding photographer. That's just in case we were Iike, something crazy happened and we wanted a picture of it. Like, maybe we should have this for, Iike, ever. Like a memory, you know? I'm gonna pass. I have some work here that I need to do, anyway. Cool. So Thursday? Soft Thursday?

Good night, Hal.

That's a soft yes on Thursday. What's wrong with me? Rented a bouncy house? Chicks don't Iike bouncy houses.

Sonic the Hedgehog (2019) Movie Trailer Script

from chrisabidrea on 03/13/2020 07:39 AM

Gotta go fast! 20 minutes ago, an energy surge knocked out power across the entire pacific northwest. This needs someone who can figure out exactly what we're dealing with! You're not suggesting who I think you're suggesting. We have no choice. What the?! Are you in charge here? Yes I am - NOPE! My- WRONG! I'M IN CHARGE! Allow me to clarify... zzt, zzt... in a sequentially ranked hierarchy based on level of critical importance, the disparity between us is too fast to quantify. Agent Stump. The doctor thinks you're basic! Listen pal, I don't know if you realise..... I'm sorry, major, what was your name? Benni- NOBODY CARES!!! SSPD! Uh... meow? AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! uh! come on... Okay pal, I want answers! basically it looks like I'm gonna have to save your planet. Is that all you've got? No, but thanks for asking whatever this creature is, our job is to secure it, neutralize it, see what makes it tick. look at this! I took 9 million steps today! Woo-hoo! stay in there and be quiet. How much longer? I can't breathe in here. Is that your child in that bag? No. I mean, yes, it's a child, but it's not mine. It's not your child? Smells like body spray and old ham sandwich!

Shrek script

from chrisabidrea on 03/13/2020 07:36 AM

Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.

Re: washing hands=no corona

from tSpikePhone on 03/13/2020 07:36 AM

According to all known facts of acaction there is no way a bee should be able to fly its wings are to small to get its fat little body of the ground. the bee of course flys any way because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible